So, I was at work on lunch yesterday, reading through Proverbs 27, and verse 21 triggered a wave of thoughts. It reads, “The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold [to separate the impurities of the metal;] And each is tested by the praise given to him [and his response to it, whether humble or proud]” (AMP). I took notes to remind me of what I wanted to write, so this one is a little planned out, but not really so bear with me.

The question that arose from this scripture was, “how do you respond to praise?” I answered honestly. Yes, sometimes I boast, depending on what the praise is for . . . yet at the same time, I struggle with receiving praise because of insecurities, lack of self-worth, doubt, all that good stuff. However, my mindset has since changed. It’s okay to receive praise, the problem arises with HOW you receive it. I’ve learned that because nothing I do is by my own works but by God that is at work in me, that the praise doesn’t belong to me. The praise must be given to Him—joyfully, willingly, selflessly, humbly.

As a kid in school, it was hard for me to receive praise because it became to be too much that I didn’t want it. I didn’t like being singled out in a room full of kids who were “bad.” Teachers always commenting things like, ‘why can’t y’all be more like Alleiah?’ I didn’t want to come off as ‘better than.’ I wanted to be accepted, to fit in, I didn’t want to be rejected. It’s like I got tired of being the good one to get all the praise ALL the time. Yet time after time, it was me. And even now, as an ADULT, I still find myself holding back from being identified as the one with all the right answers.

I’m in training at my job and because the material is so heavy, week after week, we take at least three or four tests. And I don’t get a perfect score on every single one, but when I do, I refuse to boast about getting a 100%--is this pride or humility? I mean, other students do it . . . our class is full of adults from age 18 to . . . I don’t know, middle aged I suppose and some try really hard to get a good score. And when they finally get a 100%, they’re ecstatic! But for me . . . I think I put the pressure on myself, setting an expectation that I HAVE to do better than everyone else, because that’s what’s always been expected of me! In high school, I took the praise. Everyone knew I was “the smart one” that did GOOD on almost anything academic. I was diligent, determined. I knew then like I know now that I enjoy learning and I also enjoy the good reflections of my learning. Again . . . pride or humility?

It would eat away at my confidence whenever someone would give the right answer in class and I had it too I just didn’t want to get the credit for it that time. Let someone else get it right? And then they’d ask, “Alleiah is that what you got?” The praise made its way to me somehow, yet I still struggle on how to receive it. In verse 2 of that same chapter of Proverbs, it reads “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger and not your own lips” (AMP). I’ve noticed that I celebrate my wins silently, instead of openly. And I’ve also realized, that just maybe I come off as ‘better than’ because of that . . . you tell me. . .

PRIDE? OR HUMILITY?