a hopeless romantic: epilogue

Wow, what a series huh? Haha.. though it has ended, I wanted to take the time to fill in as many gaps that I can. And not because anyone asked me to do so, or because I feel the need to prove or validate myself, but because God told me to simply, share. my. truth.

First, I want to speak to what inspired me to share this story. I started this blog with the intention of using it as a platform to again, share my truth. When God gave me the vision two years ago, I had no idea that it’d turn into what it is now, I had no idea I’d go through what I did, but it’s given me a voice; a voice that I feared to use for years and so now, I don’t just speak out for myself. I speak out because I know there’s some girl somewhere going through life the same way I did (even prior to this relationship, prior to being saved)—insecure, afraid of rejection, seeking acceptance. And after being saved and turning my life to Christ, this blog was my commitment on how I would share the gospel; on how I would share the truth about God and what He’s done for me; so I committed to sharing in this way believing that someone would read and see that they’re not alone. So my story may not be for you, but to those who it is for, I want you to know that there is a God who loves you and wants the best for you. That you are worthy all on your own. That you don’t have to settle and deserve nothing short of God’s goodness. For years, I took for granted the passion God placed in me to speak, to share unpopular opinions, to be the topic of discussion, to stand up and out for myself and others, but now that I’ve accepted my calling, I won’t shy away from speaking my truth no matter how ugly or how shameful it may be. I shared this story because I want to be the inspiration I needed when I was younger. I shared because if He did it for me, He can do it for you. 

Secondly, I did not share this story to appear as if I was completely innocent. My spirit was willing but my flesh was weak. It enjoyed the feelings of intimacy and attraction, the lust, the sensualness, the passion, so much that I wrote a blog about it * rolls eyes * (one that will never be published, of course lol . . . maybe). But it didn’t outweigh the guilt I carried too. Furthermore, my participation in every encounter was given willingly. Nothing was ever forced. I placed myself in every circumstance that led to sin because at the time, I didn’t believe I had the power to stop, to say no, or to walk away. Does that change or excuse the fact that I was manipulated and mentally/emotionally abused? Not at all. But again, I share to show that I too, was a factor in what happened and I think it’s important to take responsibility, otherwise we just see ourselves as victims and not change what got us there in the first place. 

That brings me to my next point. I did damage too. I was not the only one harmed or affected in this relationship. As someone who was weak, impressionable, insecure, dishonest, none of it helped the situation. My actions did not always match my words. I was not upfront about my reservations and I hid a lot of my true feelings, especially in the beginning. Did I deserve the abuse though? Of course not. But I believed that the relationship exposed both of our weaknesses and caused us to act in ways that were not of good character. In the end, it became unhealthy for us both so I did what I knew was the best for both of us—I ended our relationship. I ended it because I loved him; because I cared about him; because I knew of what it was that caused him the pain and to be who he was and wanted him to get help. Otherwise, we literally would’ve been the worst thing that happened to each other. What he’s doing now, I can’t attest for that—I have not seen or spoken to him in months. But I again, will speak my truth so that it’s clear that this was not one-sided, that I’m not just pointing the finger but too, taking responsibility for my actions. 

In the end, this story may have given you an inside look, but it’s really just scratching the surface. For sake of length(though it was a 10-part series..lol), a lot of details were left out. So if you have questions or want to know more, reach out. I’m an open book, willing to talk about anything. My desire is that my story will captivate women across the world to recognize their flaws and weaknesses and allow God’s strength and power to work through them. I hope that my story will encourage you to be open and honest about your experiences and to trust God to bring you true healing. This was not an ideal circumstance, but I’ve learned a lot from it, about myself especially, and I am stronger and wiser than ever before. I thank God for His grace, His mercy, and His faithfulness for seeing me through. All glory and honor to my Father, for I am nothing, without Him.

So thanks again for reading! I love you all! And until next time . . .

DISCLAIMER: The statement I made earlier about it being important to take responsibility is not true for all circumstances. Some individuals are truly just victims due to circumstances beyond their control and there is nothing they could have done to prevent what happened. However, in my circumstance, I could have done a lot of things differently and thus, I speak for myself, when I say it was necessary for me to take responsibility for my role. 

(p.s. okay last thing… there may be another series coming in the near future . . so stay tuned!) kbye! :)

a hopeless romantic pt.X: Game’s Over

It was now August and I was preparing for yet another trip. This time I was going to Atlanta with a group of our YG members for the Young Leaders Conference. It was on this trip that I expected to get the answer to my question; that I would get confirmation from God on whether to stay in this relationship or to let it go. And if I were to let it go, I needed to know how.

During this time, we were also still in the midst of planning our wedding. Back and forth we went on how many bridesmaids and groomsmen to have; or the fact that he even thought to not have any groomsmen at all. How odd and disappointing that would have been. He argued that he didn’t really have a close relationship with any guys that he felt deserved the honor. That debate had been going on for weeks and I suggested he had time to build those relationships but of course, he persisted in his own way or secretly hoped I’d give in and not care. I can’t say with certainty of course but eventually, he would come up with his selection and we’d move forward. We also wanted the numbers to match, so I had limited myself to just five bridesmaids and a maid of honor, again putting his feelings before mine, knowing that he’d even have a hard time coming up with that many. The guilt I felt for not including some of my closest girl friends in my wedding. Let’s just say, I was relieved it didn’t have to turn out that way. 

It was during this time as well that I began to see a shift in his behavior. As I was now conforming to his ways, he was now beginning to neglect them. I agreed to check in on my whereabouts and to inform him of whenever I was about to buy something, which we agreed we’d both do, but I took note of multiple occasions where he hadn’t checked in or only mentioned a purchase to me after the money was spent. I felt betrayed. Undermined. There I was, playing the fool, and he was doing whatever he wanted. I was beginning to keep silent on a lot of things, mainly for the sake of not arguing, and I did my best to steer clear of saying or doing anything that would set him off. He began to pick up on my avoidance though, which only made matters worst. 

The week of my trip came along and I was beyond excited. Him, not so much, but I didn’t let it bother me. I hadn’t done much with my friends since we’d gotten engaged, let alone in the relationship altogether if I’m being honest, and this was my chance to reconnect. We left on a Wednesday night and would return early that Sunday morning. The trip was everything I needed—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Though exhausting because we caravanned to Atlanta and back, the conference was still life-changing and exceeded every expectation I had. I felt really reconnected with my friends and I didn’t want our time together to end. We all came back with a fire that could not be tamed and I was for sure convinced that I had received the answer to my question. I had come to the conclusion, from one of the classes I sat in on, that I could no longer have one foot in and one foot out and decided yes, this was for me. Boy, was I wrong. * crying face emoji *. I had planned to end my social media fast after the trip, but something in my spirit told me the answer I got was not the one I was looking for, and so my fast continued. 

To my despair, I returned home to a fiancé that would appear to be happy to hear about my trip but would later minimize my entire experience. I shared with him how amazing it was for me yet he couldn’t help but to make me feel like he wish I hadn’t gone. He felt like I should have passed up on the trip (that was planned and practically paid for BEFORE we started dating) and instead made the effort to be there for his son’s first day of kindergarten, which was the same week of the trip. He would also go on to tell me that I could’ve prayed at home and read my bible if I needed a powerful move of God. Really??? Really. I was frustrated and disappointed. Like, why didn’t he support me? Why was everything always about him? Why was anything I did never enough or satisfying for him? The next two weeks would be full of turmoil. From me still not having found a wedding dress to him pressing me to pick out the colors to paint his basement; from problems arising in our budget to me being irresponsible and unable to make decisions for myself. From me having said yes to being in a friend’s wedding to me being fearful the night I thought he’d force himself upon me . . . but he didn’t (to be explained later). The list goes on. 

Soon enough, I had reached a breaking point. One Sunday after service, I had a conversation with my leadership, seeking guidance on how to get back the joy I had when in Atlanta and still keep my fiancé happy. It was like I could have one or the other, but I couldn’t have both. I was hanging on to my relationship by a thread and was surely turning into someone I didn’t want to be anymore. I didn’t know the conversation I had that Sunday would lead to another I’d have the following Wednesday and be shown the picture that changed everything. It was then, that I got my answer. It was then, that I had found my way out. It was then, that my suffering was given the name abuse, and I couldn’t hide behind the pain any longer.

After a lengthy confession to my leadership, I needed time to process what I had just learned and to prepare for my next move. I planned to have a sit down conversation with him regarding my concerns after the weekend, due to the fact that he was going to have his kids during that time. But because of messages that I received from him that Thursday night, I knew I wouldn’t have made it through. The time had come, when I would write the words, “if you text or call me, I will not answer.” That weekend, I took my money out of the joint account we shared, I changed the passwords to all of the accounts of mine he had access to, and I muted all notifications from him and unshared my location. Expectantly, he tried to reach out. At the time, I didn’t have any words for him. But by that Monday . . . it was all over. No more wedding. No more engagement. I was single.

a hopeless romantic pt.IX: Never Enough

I spent most of the weekend asking myself a question some of you may be wanting to ask too. Why did I let it get this far? And truth is, that’s a question I don’t have a clear answer to. It started with a kiss and one thing led to another. It would happen twice prior to the engagement and a part of me thought it would end there. He would soon tell me how in prior relationships he’s been taken advantage of and didn’t want to feel like he was just a piece of meat to me. Yes, he was telling me this. I’m not in the slightest minimizing his experiences but . . the nerve right? Nevertheless, ‘perfect,’ I thought. This will end here, no one needs to know, we’ll be fine moving forward. The lie detector test determined, that was a lie. 

After being interrogated by multiple individuals of our compatibility and letting them know that I was for sure ready to move forward, they gave him the go to propose. (sidebar: after breaking it off, I learned that he had been trying to propose for weeks but he wanted to do it his way and not our way. He would ask me numerous times how I wanted it to happen. What kind of question? Did I really need to say? I thought it was obvious; I wanted the NDWC-style celebration like everyone else. He however, wanted it to be intimate, exclusive, just me and him if possible. He, even then, was trying to force his way. He never wanted to do anything, like “everyone else”). 

I was so anxious during this time as I knew a proposal was coming, but I didn’t know how. Most of you know the details of how it happened. He put together a last minute surprise party just days after getting the green light. I wasn’t even able to ‘get cute,’ like how I wanted to because I knew if I told him how I wanted to look on my engagement day, it would frustrate him to have to wait longer. I, to this day, wonder, were people really happy for me or were they concerned because of how things were moving? I may never know. I didn’t even cry and that in itself, concerned me. Nevertheless, I said yes. We were now engaged. And our dynamic took yet another shift. 

For the next three months, we would spend almost every day in an argument. Whether it was about finances or the wedding, about me making decisions without first asking him or about how I didn’t care about him. There was one thing after another. It was during this time that I began to hide. I couldn’t handle having conversations with him anymore. I was glad that our work schedules were opposite of each other, the less time I had to talk to him, the better. He would badger me with the fact I didn’t like having serious conversations or talking about things that “mattered,” when in all actuality, I was tired of fighting. I was tired of pleading my way and it being turned down. I was tired of expressing my feelings to later have them used against me. I just wanted to have a normal conversation. I just wanted peace and happiness in my relationship and contrarily, only had it whenever we weren’t talking. This stage was suppose to be fun and exciting, not annoying and tiresome. Not emotionally and mentally draining. In the How to Prepare For Marriage series, we were told we must love to be around our person all the time . . & I didn’t have that feeling at all. Our act in testing the waters hadn’t stopped either. I began to feel like this was the only way we connected. Maybe this is the only thing to keep him satisfied or under control, yet that didn’t quite work in my favor either. 

Back to my question from the beginning, why did I let it get this far? Did I want it to happen? No. Did I want it to stop? Yes. Many times I thought it would. We tried to set boundaries for ourselves like one-armed hugs or not looking into each other’s eyes for too long, but every moment we were alone together just set us up for failure. I never let him fully penetrate me, I had to save something for marriage right? It also lessened the guilt of us “having sex,” but, even oral sex is sex right? He even once asked me why was he the only one to initiate physical contact between us. The real answer was because I felt guilty and didn’t know how to stop it. Who could I tell? I had took his side, I had ignored the concerns of my leadership. I had to figure this one out for myself. The answer I gave him was that I didn’t want him to feel like I was “taking advantage” of him. Yes, you can laugh. I do. Now, looking back of course. There I was, putting his feelings before mine. How silly, right? So many times he would tell me I was worth the wait and I believed it. I don’t know if his intentions to stop were ever real but I felt like there was nothing else I could do whenever a moment presented itself. He was the man and I didn’t believe I had the power to turn down or say no. The sex (subconsciously) may have been the very thing that began to turn me into who he wanted me to be. All of his ways were making sense. Not only was I compromising my purity, I was hanging out less, I was leaving out with him directly after church services. We had joined finances despite my fear. I committed to a $1,000 budget for the wedding. I was checking in so that he’d always know where I was. I was asking his permission if I could buy myself lunch and letting him know what groceries I was purchasing. WE WEREN’T EVEN LIVING TOGETHER. . . .

. . sorry . . (pause for dramatic effect).
* re-gathers myself * . . continues . .

I, if you can tell, was being crafted . . or rather, manipulated. Yet still, everything I did was never enough and I couldn’t bare it. About a month after our engagement, I found myself on a social media fast, because I needed an answer to a question I had been asking myself: was this for me?

Until next time . . 

DISCLAIMER: To all my non-New Destinions, I felt this a good place to make the note that I had no intentions on even kissing this man prior to our wedding day. I even thought us having conversations about sex during our dating phase was too much but he kept convincing me that nothing was off limits. The standard was that all physical contact with the exception of holding hands (once engaged) was reserved for marriage. No kissing. No gropping. No fondling. Nothing. Neither were we to be alone together until we were engaged. To some, this may be extreme; to us, it’s what works. I valued the process and I had hoped to have been successful at it myself, but I wasn’t. So, I tell my story so that others, especially the younger ones at my church that look up to me, will not fall the way that I did. It was not only a standard set within our church, but it was one I set for myself. And some days are harder than others, but God’s grace carries me through the guilt and the shame. So I say this to say, ladies—set your standard and don’t let any man come between YOU and your eternity with God.