a hopeless romantic pt.VIII: A Pre-mature Engagement
Before I wrote this part of the series I questioned as to whether I should continue or just end with the previous one. I asked if there be any other way, nevertheless, not my will God, but Yours. You’ll find out why in a moment. Again, not even a week into the relationship and I felt stuck, gripped with fear. At least fear was what I called it until I figured out it was God trying to warn me all along.
During our talking phase, we had conversations regarding our future together and what changes would be made, like who’d we spend our time with or how we’d spend our money. We weren’t just operating as two singles, but now as one whole (with two kids in the picture as well) and that was going to require some sacrifice. Some things that should have signaled a red flag, I glossed over and assured him I’d make minor adjustments. I admit, I didn’t quite feel the pressure of it though until we were actually dating. Things were quickly beginning to change and I began to feel like parts of me where being taken away. I reached out for support and I was encouraged not to worry. The dating phase was suppose to be fun, so I held on, hoping things would get better, but they didn’t. Early on, I realized that our expectations of each other didn’t quite align like I thought they did—He was ready to settle down and I was ready for adventure—but it was too late for me to turn back now. This relationship was what I wanted, what I prayed for (and he made sure to remind me of that); so how could I be afraid now that I had it? How could I not be willing to do whatever it takes to build a life with this person? Even if it meant cutting back on YG social events. . Or being less involved in church activities . . Or finding him first before speaking to anyone else once service was over? It was like my future with him needed not to just be my top priority but my only priority. And slowly but surely, I was being pulled out from under the protection and guidance of my leadership and was now following and being guided by a man that wanted me all to himself. So much that he proposed the idea of us getting married the upcoming November. My mind was overwhelmed. We were only still within our first month.
As time passed on, I began to feel the need to escape. Before we started dating, I had a weekend trip planned to Florida at the end of April for my cousin’s girlfriend’s birthday; he thought it too soon for me to be leaving him, I thought it perfect timing. As much as I loved and wanted to be with him, I needed to get away at the same time. On the last day of the trip, I remember us rushing to the airport, almost missing our flight and me wishing that we would. I don’t know if I enjoyed more the feeling of him missing me more or the fact that I’d be gone another day without him. At this point, I was weak and in deeper than I knew.
When we returned home late on a Monday night, he picked my cousin’s daughter and I up from the airport and took us back to their place. It was just us three in the house. My little cousin went on to her room and well, him and I stood embraced in their living room for almost three hours. Nothing happened that night, but it sure opened the door for what would happen in the months to come. At some point in the near future he’d ask me if I expected our first kiss to be on our wedding day and that’s when the pressure turned up.
Over the next few weeks, the dynamic of our relationship was shifting more and more. We were discussing next steps like engagement and joining finances . . wedding venue and the like; things were moving rather quickly, at least that’s what others were thinking. I mean, I felt so too but couldn’t dare to admit to it. I tried to make an effort to slow things down, but it didn’t quite work in my favor. We were at a birthday party one summer night and as we were leaving, there was a side of him that came out that I had never seen—a red flag for sure had been thrown, and yet even after many discussions with leadership, their concern wasn’t enough to overturn the effects of his charm. I was approached numerous times by different individuals regarding our relationship and if I felt we were equally yoked. From the outside looking in, they were seeing things I couldn’t. But I became annoyed with the fact that I felt like people didn’t think I was ready or was incapable of speaking up for myself (I was), and I essentially ignored their concerns and proceeded to dig my hole even deeper. I needed to not just prove myself to my boyfriend that I trusted his role as the head of our soon to be family, but I needed to prove myself to my leadership too, that I was ready and could handle things on my own. This not only landed me in a pre-mature engagement, but it also led . . . to pre-marital sex.
Until next time . .