a hopeless romantic pt.X: Game’s Over
It was now August and I was preparing for yet another trip. This time I was going to Atlanta with a group of our YG members for the Young Leaders Conference. It was on this trip that I expected to get the answer to my question; that I would get confirmation from God on whether to stay in this relationship or to let it go. And if I were to let it go, I needed to know how.
During this time, we were also still in the midst of planning our wedding. Back and forth we went on how many bridesmaids and groomsmen to have; or the fact that he even thought to not have any groomsmen at all. How odd and disappointing that would have been. He argued that he didn’t really have a close relationship with any guys that he felt deserved the honor. That debate had been going on for weeks and I suggested he had time to build those relationships but of course, he persisted in his own way or secretly hoped I’d give in and not care. I can’t say with certainty of course but eventually, he would come up with his selection and we’d move forward. We also wanted the numbers to match, so I had limited myself to just five bridesmaids and a maid of honor, again putting his feelings before mine, knowing that he’d even have a hard time coming up with that many. The guilt I felt for not including some of my closest girl friends in my wedding. Let’s just say, I was relieved it didn’t have to turn out that way.
It was during this time as well that I began to see a shift in his behavior. As I was now conforming to his ways, he was now beginning to neglect them. I agreed to check in on my whereabouts and to inform him of whenever I was about to buy something, which we agreed we’d both do, but I took note of multiple occasions where he hadn’t checked in or only mentioned a purchase to me after the money was spent. I felt betrayed. Undermined. There I was, playing the fool, and he was doing whatever he wanted. I was beginning to keep silent on a lot of things, mainly for the sake of not arguing, and I did my best to steer clear of saying or doing anything that would set him off. He began to pick up on my avoidance though, which only made matters worst.
The week of my trip came along and I was beyond excited. Him, not so much, but I didn’t let it bother me. I hadn’t done much with my friends since we’d gotten engaged, let alone in the relationship altogether if I’m being honest, and this was my chance to reconnect. We left on a Wednesday night and would return early that Sunday morning. The trip was everything I needed—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Though exhausting because we caravanned to Atlanta and back, the conference was still life-changing and exceeded every expectation I had. I felt really reconnected with my friends and I didn’t want our time together to end. We all came back with a fire that could not be tamed and I was for sure convinced that I had received the answer to my question. I had come to the conclusion, from one of the classes I sat in on, that I could no longer have one foot in and one foot out and decided yes, this was for me. Boy, was I wrong. * crying face emoji *. I had planned to end my social media fast after the trip, but something in my spirit told me the answer I got was not the one I was looking for, and so my fast continued.
To my despair, I returned home to a fiancé that would appear to be happy to hear about my trip but would later minimize my entire experience. I shared with him how amazing it was for me yet he couldn’t help but to make me feel like he wish I hadn’t gone. He felt like I should have passed up on the trip (that was planned and practically paid for BEFORE we started dating) and instead made the effort to be there for his son’s first day of kindergarten, which was the same week of the trip. He would also go on to tell me that I could’ve prayed at home and read my bible if I needed a powerful move of God. Really??? Really. I was frustrated and disappointed. Like, why didn’t he support me? Why was everything always about him? Why was anything I did never enough or satisfying for him? The next two weeks would be full of turmoil. From me still not having found a wedding dress to him pressing me to pick out the colors to paint his basement; from problems arising in our budget to me being irresponsible and unable to make decisions for myself. From me having said yes to being in a friend’s wedding to me being fearful the night I thought he’d force himself upon me . . . but he didn’t (to be explained later). The list goes on.
Soon enough, I had reached a breaking point. One Sunday after service, I had a conversation with my leadership, seeking guidance on how to get back the joy I had when in Atlanta and still keep my fiancé happy. It was like I could have one or the other, but I couldn’t have both. I was hanging on to my relationship by a thread and was surely turning into someone I didn’t want to be anymore. I didn’t know the conversation I had that Sunday would lead to another I’d have the following Wednesday and be shown the picture that changed everything. It was then, that I got my answer. It was then, that I had found my way out. It was then, that my suffering was given the name abuse, and I couldn’t hide behind the pain any longer.
After a lengthy confession to my leadership, I needed time to process what I had just learned and to prepare for my next move. I planned to have a sit down conversation with him regarding my concerns after the weekend, due to the fact that he was going to have his kids during that time. But because of messages that I received from him that Thursday night, I knew I wouldn’t have made it through. The time had come, when I would write the words, “if you text or call me, I will not answer.” That weekend, I took my money out of the joint account we shared, I changed the passwords to all of the accounts of mine he had access to, and I muted all notifications from him and unshared my location. Expectantly, he tried to reach out. At the time, I didn’t have any words for him. But by that Monday . . . it was all over. No more wedding. No more engagement. I was single.