a hopeless romantic pt.VII: Fear Awakened
It was the beginning of a new year and after two failed attempts at a relationship, it was time for me to focus on me. For real this time. I had been out of work for the past two weeks due to the government shutdown and had more time on my hands than anticipated. What better time than now to focus on finding my calling and to also dive more in to my writing; the less concerned I was about dating, the better. I spent the first month and a half reading through Proverbs, studying intercession, and I did some consistent blogging too. I was keeping myself busy best I could. During this time, the guy and I weren’t completely estranged. We were cordial, to say the least. He didn’t know of the phone call I received from leadership at the beginning of the year or that I had deleted every trace of conversation that we ever had. What can I say, I needed a fresh start. I was so focused on maintaining an upright relationship with him that I even started to refer to him as ‘brother.’ Before, I referred to him by name while the other guys at my church were referred to as, ‘bro’ or ‘broski.’ With that distinction, I’m sure he knew he meant something different, but now, I had to send the message that he was just another one of the guys and that there were no feelings attached. Very strategic I was, in trying to minimize whatever feelings I had left for him. At this point, I really just wanted us to be friends (first). If and only IF, we were to be anything more, I was resetting the standard and he knew what process he had to follow.
Fast forward to the end of February. I had been back at work maybe a month now and one Thursday morning while I was on break, I received a phone call from my leadership. Totally caught off guard, the call was to inquire if I still had an interest in the guy. Now wait . . Was this really happening the way I imagined it to from the very beginning? When I least expected it? When I was just starting to embrace my singleness? I was torn on how to respond. My initial thought was, ‘I just really got some things going for myself.’ I was walking in purpose, writing more, developing my ministry, I didn’t want to disturb that. On the other hand though, I thought, ‘if this is my chance, I better take it.’ Despite my growth changes, I was still a hopeless romantic that had been anticipating this kind of moment since the How To Prepare for Marriage series. If I said no now, who knew if he’d still be interested maybe a month or so later. Just two months with no communication outside of church and here we were. He still liked me. ‘So yes you do want to talk right now or no’ was the final question. . . . hastily, I replied yes. (side-note: looking back, there was confusion or rather uncertainty going in to it once again . . I hope you’re learning just as much as I am).
So, over the next couple of days, there would be communication between myself and leadership and I would imagine they were in communication with him too. The Sunday after that phone call, we were officially talking. Our leadership was so happy for us, yet for me, it felt so undeserving. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy too but knowing our history, I felt there had to be doubts about how sure we were now. But full disclosure, I guess I was the only one that was still unsure. I still felt guilty for some reason. Though we had practically done everything right this time, where were my restraints coming from now?
We decided we would keep things between just us two for the moment, until we knew that we wanted to move on to the next phase. We talked for two weeks and on a Sunday after service, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we made the announcement to the whole church that we were now officially dating. And not even a week later, I found myself writing in my journal how real and purposeful things had become with us going public and how fear was now louder than ever before . .
Until next time . .