a hopeless romantic pt.II: Black & White

“If you text or call me, I will not answer.”

That’s how real it’d gotten in just twenty four short hours. From being truly in love with a person to the veil being torn and now being scared for your life. Twenty four hours prior to writing that message, I had just been shown a picture that took away every excuse I had to hide the truth of my relationship—that I was being abused. For months, I played the narrative. I walked around with a smile on my face, I grudgingly planned a wedding I didn’t want to be a part of, I sacrificed my moral character . . I let down my wall of purity. I spent months praying for a sign, praying for God to show me a way out, for things to just get better, for him to love me for me, for peace, for happiness. And many of you may have thought I had it. Some could see through the forced smiles and tired hugs, but still I tried so hard to paint the picture that everything was okay. Yet knowing behind closed doors, I was suffering. I was exhausted. I was beaten up(mentally, emotionally) and taken advantage of. I was belittled. I was ridiculed. I was wrong, trying to prove myself right as things just got worse. I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I wasn’t becoming who I thought I’d become. And I for sure wasn’t walking the path God had planned for me. The crazy part? I felt it was all too good to be true from the very beginning.. 

Next week you’ll find out why. .

DISCLAIMER: It took me a while to accept and acknowledge my relationship for what it was. For weeks after breaking it off, it was hard for me to grasp the understanding of the word abuse because for one, I didn’t want to believe that’s what it was and two, it was something I thought I’d never experience. I was in denial for a long time. I say this to say, abuse is not just physical. Though I was not physically abused (which I think that’s what many of us may interpret when we hear the word), abuse takes many forms and can be just as damaging if not worse. So don’t underestimate the facts, the truth. When I saw it in black and white, I could no longer justify it. I could no longer accept it. And I could no longer live with it.

Until next time . .