a hopeless romantic pt.VIII: A Pre-mature Engagement

Before I wrote this part of the series I questioned as to whether I should continue or just end with the previous one. I asked if there be any other way, nevertheless, not my will God, but Yours. You’ll find out why in a moment. Again, not even a week into the relationship and I felt stuck, gripped with fear. At least fear was what I called it until I figured out it was God trying to warn me all along. 

During our talking phase, we had conversations regarding our future together and what changes would be made, like who’d we spend our time with or how we’d spend our money. We weren’t just operating as two singles, but now as one whole (with two kids in the picture as well) and that was going to require some sacrifice. Some things that should have signaled a red flag, I glossed over and assured him I’d make minor adjustments. I admit, I didn’t quite feel the pressure of it though until we were actually dating. Things were quickly beginning to change and I began to feel like parts of me where being taken away. I reached out for support and I was encouraged not to worry. The dating phase was suppose to be fun, so I held on, hoping things would get better, but they didn’t. Early on, I realized that our expectations of each other didn’t quite align like I thought they did—He was ready to settle down and I was ready for adventure—but it was too late for me to turn back now. This relationship was what I wanted, what I prayed for (and he made sure to remind me of that); so how could I be afraid now that I had it? How could I not be willing to do whatever it takes to build a life with this person? Even if it meant cutting back on YG social events. . Or being less involved in church activities . . Or finding him first before speaking to anyone else once service was over? It was like my future with him needed not to just be my top priority but my only priority. And slowly but surely, I was being pulled out from under the protection and guidance of my leadership and was now following and being guided by a man that wanted me all to himself. So much that he proposed the idea of us getting married the upcoming November. My mind was overwhelmed. We were only still within our first month. 

As time passed on, I began to feel the need to escape. Before we started dating, I had a weekend trip planned to Florida at the end of April for my cousin’s girlfriend’s birthday; he thought it too soon for me to be leaving him, I thought it perfect timing. As much as I loved and wanted to be with him, I needed to get away at the same time. On the last day of the trip, I remember us rushing to the airport, almost missing our flight and me wishing that we would. I don’t know if I enjoyed more the feeling of him missing me more or the fact that I’d be gone another day without him. At this point, I was weak and in deeper than I knew. 

When we returned home late on a Monday night, he picked my cousin’s daughter and I up from the airport and took us back to their place. It was just us three in the house. My little cousin went on to her room and well, him and I stood embraced in their living room for almost three hours. Nothing happened that night, but it sure opened the door for what would happen in the months to come. At some point in the near future he’d ask me if I expected our first kiss to be on our wedding day and that’s when the pressure turned up.  

Over the next few weeks, the dynamic of our relationship was shifting more and more. We were discussing next steps like engagement and joining finances . . wedding venue and the like; things were moving rather quickly, at least that’s what others were thinking. I mean, I felt so too but couldn’t dare to admit to it. I tried to make an effort to slow things down, but it didn’t quite work in my favor. We were at a birthday party one summer night and as we were leaving, there was a side of him that came out that I had never seen—a red flag for sure had been thrown, and yet even after many discussions with leadership, their concern wasn’t enough to overturn the effects of his charm. I was approached numerous times by different individuals regarding our relationship and if I felt we were equally yoked. From the outside looking in, they were seeing things I couldn’t. But I became annoyed with the fact that I felt like people didn’t think I was ready or was incapable of speaking up for myself (I was), and I essentially ignored their concerns and proceeded to dig my hole even deeper. I needed to not just prove myself to my boyfriend that I trusted his role as the head of our soon to be family, but I needed to prove myself to my leadership too, that I was ready and could handle things on my own. This not only landed me in a pre-mature engagement, but it also led . . . to pre-marital sex. 

Until next time . . 

a hopeless romantic pt.VII: Fear Awakened

It was the beginning of a new year and after two failed attempts at a relationship, it was time for me to focus on me. For real this time. I had been out of work for the past two weeks due to the government shutdown and had more time on my hands than anticipated. What better time than now to focus on finding my calling and to also dive more in to my writing; the less concerned I was about dating, the better. I spent the first month and a half reading through Proverbs, studying intercession, and I did some consistent blogging too. I was keeping myself busy best I could. During this time, the guy and I weren’t completely estranged. We were cordial, to say the least. He didn’t know of the phone call I received from leadership at the beginning of the year or that I had deleted every trace of conversation that we ever had. What can I say, I needed a fresh start. I was so focused on maintaining an upright relationship with him that I even started to refer to him as ‘brother.’ Before, I referred to him by name while the other guys at my church were referred to as, ‘bro’ or ‘broski.’ With that distinction, I’m sure he knew he meant something different, but now, I had to send the message that he was just another one of the guys and that there were no feelings attached. Very strategic I was, in trying to minimize whatever feelings I had left for him. At this point, I really just wanted us to be friends (first). If and only IF, we were to be anything more, I was resetting the standard and he knew what process he had to follow.

Fast forward to the end of February. I had been back at work maybe a month now and one Thursday morning while I was on break, I received a phone call from my leadership. Totally caught off guard, the call was to inquire if I still had an interest in the guy. Now wait . . Was this really happening the way I imagined it to from the very beginning? When I least expected it? When I was just starting to embrace my singleness? I was torn on how to respond. My initial thought was, ‘I just really got some things going for myself.’ I was walking in purpose, writing more, developing my ministry, I didn’t want to disturb that. On the other hand though, I thought, ‘if this is my chance, I better take it.’ Despite my growth changes, I was still a hopeless romantic that had been anticipating this kind of moment since the How To Prepare for Marriage series. If I said no now, who knew if he’d still be interested maybe a month or so later. Just two months with no communication outside of church and here we were. He still liked me. ‘So yes you do want to talk right now or no’ was the final question. . . . hastily, I replied yes. (side-note: looking back, there was confusion or rather uncertainty going in to it once again . . I hope you’re learning just as much as I am). 

So, over the next couple of days, there would be communication between myself and leadership and I would imagine they were in communication with him too. The Sunday after that phone call, we were officially talking. Our leadership was so happy for us, yet for me, it felt so undeserving. Don’t get me wrong, I was happy too but knowing our history, I felt there had to be doubts about how sure we were now. But full disclosure, I guess I was the only one that was still unsure. I still felt guilty for some reason. Though we had practically done everything right this time, where were my restraints coming from now?

We decided we would keep things between just us two for the moment, until we knew that we wanted to move on to the next phase. We talked for two weeks and on a Sunday after service, he asked me to be his girlfriend and we made the announcement to the whole church that we were now officially dating. And not even a week later, I found myself writing in my journal how real and purposeful things had become with us going public and how fear was now louder than ever before . . 

Until next time . . 

a hopeless romantic pt.VI: Third Time’s A Charm

The saying usually goes, ‘and the truth shall set you free.’ Well, in my case, that didn’t work entirely. This part of the story is kind of a blur, but I do know I spent the next few months going back and forth between ‘I like him,’ and ‘I don’t like him.’ Initially, I tried really hard to convince myself that this was too soon to be happening for me and after ratting us out, there was no way he still liked me anyway. Back to just friends we go. Plus, after all this foolery, I needed to focus on me and truly pray to find out what I really wanted. Encouraged to do so by a friend of mine, I even created a new list and told myself he didn’t fit any of these new characteristics. I was over him, moving on . . right? W R O N G. 

That lasted maybe a good month, month and a half and we hardly spoke during that time. However, our birthdays came along (being just six days apart) and that may have rekindled our fire a bit. He celebrated his birthday with a house warming, which I attended, and the following weekend, I celebrated mine with a 90’s themed house party. We didn’t interact much at his party because I, of course, was trying to be low-key, yet there was a gesture he made that caused me to wonder, ‘maybe he does still like me.’ I tried not to overthink it. He wasn’t able to make it to my party the night of my birthday, however, earlier in the day, something else unexpectantly happened. I received a ‘happy birthday’ message from him via facebook messenger and BOOP we were at it again. My first reaction was, ‘really dude?’ — here I was again in a position to compromise or to not compromise. I thought of mentioning it to my leadership but, I didn’t. I can’t remember if I took the bait and responded, but from there we were kind of back on good terms again. 

Fast forward a bit, we had a few group interactions and I again was communicating with my leadership about my interest. Yet, there was still a part of me that tried to get away with doing things my way. We had a mutual friend that knew us both really well and really supported our ‘getting together.’ I confided in her a lot about my feelings towards him and needless to say, some of the advice that was given I should not have considered. This was when I began to feel the need to prove myself to him. That the rules didn’t matter and that he was worth bending them for (again). He was older, more mature, independent, had a good job, a car, a new house—a wife was the last piece he needed, others would say. Oh, and did I mention he surprised me with a McCaw jersey (my cousin) as a late birthday gift? How generous and thoughtful he was too! *insert palm face emoji.* So, to my downfall, I wanted him to know that I cared about our friendship and didn’t want things to be awkward between us, which lead me to purchasing late housewarming/birthday gifts for him AND delivering them . . to his house . . on Christmas . . with no real accountability. And because I was still floating between ‘I like him’ and ‘I don’t like him,’ needing to vent, I mentioned aloud what I had done at a girl’s night days later (intended to just be towards our above-mentioned mutual friend), but shortly after New Year’s, the word got around to my leadership and I received a phone call. It blew up in my face and we were DONE DONE once again. 

I guess third time’s a charm though right? Because our relationship didn’t quite end there, but picked up AGAIN months later . . 

Until next time .  .