a hopeless romantic pt.V: Truth Revealed

As stated in Part IV, our little dancing went on for months. And I’m not saying this to boast or brag, because being deceitful and disobedient are definitely not the will of God, however, we played our parts so well that our leadership was ready to ‘hook us up,’ if you will. It was now September, three months later from our first encounter, and on yet another Wednesday night after class, I was pulled aside to discuss the possibility of taking the next step with this person. They knew I liked him and that he liked me and so now with a mutual interest, we could move forward. (sidebar: In our private conversations, I would often tell the guy if he wanted me he had to go about it the right way. Contrarily, us talking outside of church clearly showed that neither of us were really committed to ‘going about it the right way’. A part of me felt like that kept me blameless in our game of fire, yet it made me just as guilty). 

As I was sitting in conversation with my leadership, I couldn’t help but to think that I had gotten this far on a lie. Do I say something, do I not say something, I pondered. They don’t know that we’ve already discovered on our own our mutual likeness of each other. They don’t know that we’ve been messaging back and forth over the past three months. They don’t know that he’s come to my job to visit me alone not once, but twice. They don’t know . . . & before I knew it, a question was asked in regards to his kids and I responded by referencing a conversation him and I had recently . . . through facebook messenger. And that’s when I got burnt. Now remind you, I formed in my mind that it wasn’t “texting,” so I should have been okay to disclose that piece of information, right? Yet at the same time I knew that there would be a consequence to follow it as well. What would happen next? We were told that we couldn’t be trusted, that we needed to cut all communication going forward and that maybe in a few months we could try it again if the like was still there. Though what was wrong felt right, a part of me was relieved when it was all over. My conscious was clear and I didn’t have to feel bad anymore. Someway somehow though, telling the truth set up yet another desperate trap for me . . 

Until next time . .

a hopeless romantic interlude

First, if you’ve read up to this point, thank you! Second, considering where we are in the story, I felt the need to make a quick aside. As I mentioned, when I first learned of the guy’s interest in me, I prayed to God that this would be different than my previous relationships. I sought God for clarity, understanding, and confirmation that this was for me. And in the midst of that, I admit I never found the peace that my then YP said should be present in this moment (referring to the series, How To Prepare For Marriage). Though I was seeking God, I was also seeking satisfaction for my flesh. The fact that things began outside the standard of our leadership should have been my sign that this was not the way for me to go. Yet instead, I persisted in my own way and it took for me to go through til I got what I wanted before I surrendered to God. In the beginning, I was embarrassed to go to my leadership about some of my concerns and at times I simply didn’t want to because I knew the answer would go against what my flesh desired. And the silence I sat in cost me. I say this all to say, God is not a God of confusion. If you are in a situation that doesn’t feel right, a situation full of uncertainty, then you should probably leave it alone and walk away from it. Don’t go towards confusion, yet go towards peace. Trust God and trust that your life is better in His hands. I may be beating a dead horse, but the reason I’m so passionate about telling my story is because I know someone needs to hear it. I don’t know why God chose me but He did, and like myself, we don’t always listen the first time. Maybe you’re not currently dating, but you’re confused about where to go school or what job to take next. The same theory applies: follow peace. As greatly rooted as I was, I compromised my salvation and it was not worth it. So I pray my story compels you to seek God for yourself, to trust and depend on Him, and to get it right the first time. Be open with your spiritual leaders, they are in you’re life for a reason. Now I’m not saying you’re never going to make a mistake; we’re human, therefore perfectly imperfect. Nevertheless, we sure can do all we can in our power to seek after and get as close as we can to God’s perfection. 

And that’s it! I love you all and pray you continue to follow along with this series! Stay tuned for Part V coming on Tuesday night!

Until next time . .

a hopeless romantic pt.IV: Playing With Fire

If you’ve read any of my earlier posts, you’d know I had a struggle with giving in to guys who gave me attention. And he was the first to show interest in me in this new chapter of my life. Nevertheless, as I was on a journey to a better me, a more confident me, I prayed that this wouldn’t be one of those moments. I prayed and asked God to allow me to have a genuine interest in this person and not just because he showed one in me first. It started with a few texts a couple of days after our conversation that I thought were truly innocent to begin, but things shifted and he became a bit more flirty and I began to feel guilty. ‘I shouldn’t be having this kind of conversation with you,’ I thought. But it felt good. However, that Sunday I went to my leadership and told of what was happening. ‘Don’t respond,’ I was told. And sadly, that just made me want to talk more. I tried so hard to avoid outside conversation with this person but with every message, I felt like I was being pulled deeper. I went to my leadership a second time for accountability but in all honesty I was really just trying to cover up my guilt for engaging when I knew I shouldn’t be. The platform shifted from texting to social media DMs and IMs and that was fair game right? We weren’t texting . . right? HA.. Bending the rules and playing with fire became our thing. For months, we flirted. We chatted. We heart-eyed and commented on one another’s posts. I invited him to visit me at work. I began to intentionally post things I knew he’d respond to on my Instagram story. I had that feeling you get when you like someone and you become willing to do whatever to just talk to them. I, if you can see, was under a spell, of course not knowing so then, but I was now going against the very process I committed to just weeks prior and sadly again, I didn’t want it to end. 

Our dancing went on for a few months and others began to pick up on what we were doing. We weren’t just dancing in private but some moments were public as well. The way he looked at me when I walked in the room. The way he waited for me at the door on Sunday mornings to greet me with a smile. The way he held an umbrella over me as the storm passed one summer night when us and some friends met for a play in the park. The way we sat next to each other and talked about my relationship with my dad at a softball game. With all these public acts, I started to feel more connected and more comfortable with my friends. I had something to talk about with my girls, right?! But of course, doing wrong always FEELS so right. Playing with fire is fun . . until you get burnt. And as time passed and the more I believed I was upholding the standard, the more hurtful it was when the truth finally came out. . 

Until next time . .