a hopeless romantic pt.III: Dancing With Temptation

So let’s rewind a little . . or a lot. I grew up a hopeless romantic. I hate to sound like a cliche but I’m sure the greatest longing for us all is to love and to be loved. When I started my journey at New Destiny a little over two years ago, I believed this is where it happens. For the first time in my life, I believed that true love and marriage could happen for me. I had seen the process and I believed that if I kept to it myself, then my time would soon come. And in a Wednesday bible study series called How Do I Prepare For Marriage, I felt like I learned all that I could for my moment. I was committed to the process, to the work. My then YP and YPW were such perfect examples—I admired and still do admire the way they love each other—and I knew that following their leadership and guidance would end in success. One class, YP encouraged us to write a list of potential character qualities we’d desire in a partner. The purpose was to write down what we thought we’d want, to pray over it, and to give it to God to show Him that we trusted Him to bring or lead us to the perfect one. Again, me being the hopeless romantic, I did so, with faith that God would respond. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I also wanted to show God that I trusted He knew better. And then one Wednesday night not too long after the first, I had a conversation with a particular individual and every fiber in me was shook. No way could it have happened this soon. No way could the person who’s name I didn’t even know for months make one comment that would make me want more. No way was there now an attraction for someone that I didn’t even consider when writing my list, but somehow now, he seemed to be the perfect fit. 

Did it work? Did God really move that fast? It was literally a couple of weeks later and I couldn’t gather enough strength to believe this was it. Again, no way. Yet, I thought it worked. I thought God heard my prayers. And little did I know, it was here that the dancing with temptation began . . 

Until next time . . 

a hopeless romantic pt.II: Black & White

“If you text or call me, I will not answer.”

That’s how real it’d gotten in just twenty four short hours. From being truly in love with a person to the veil being torn and now being scared for your life. Twenty four hours prior to writing that message, I had just been shown a picture that took away every excuse I had to hide the truth of my relationship—that I was being abused. For months, I played the narrative. I walked around with a smile on my face, I grudgingly planned a wedding I didn’t want to be a part of, I sacrificed my moral character . . I let down my wall of purity. I spent months praying for a sign, praying for God to show me a way out, for things to just get better, for him to love me for me, for peace, for happiness. And many of you may have thought I had it. Some could see through the forced smiles and tired hugs, but still I tried so hard to paint the picture that everything was okay. Yet knowing behind closed doors, I was suffering. I was exhausted. I was beaten up(mentally, emotionally) and taken advantage of. I was belittled. I was ridiculed. I was wrong, trying to prove myself right as things just got worse. I wasn’t where I wanted to be. I wasn’t becoming who I thought I’d become. And I for sure wasn’t walking the path God had planned for me. The crazy part? I felt it was all too good to be true from the very beginning.. 

Next week you’ll find out why. .

DISCLAIMER: It took me a while to accept and acknowledge my relationship for what it was. For weeks after breaking it off, it was hard for me to grasp the understanding of the word abuse because for one, I didn’t want to believe that’s what it was and two, it was something I thought I’d never experience. I was in denial for a long time. I say this to say, abuse is not just physical. Though I was not physically abused (which I think that’s what many of us may interpret when we hear the word), abuse takes many forms and can be just as damaging if not worse. So don’t underestimate the facts, the truth. When I saw it in black and white, I could no longer justify it. I could no longer accept it. And I could no longer live with it.

Until next time . .

a hopeless romantic pt.I: Take My Word

Written: Jan 5, 2020.
If I didn’t understand God’s grace before, I definitely understand it now. And it’s sad that it took for me to do the wrong, to sin, to be disobedient, to get it. And truth is, it shouldn’t have to take that. Why can’t we just get it right the first time? Why do we as humans, like to learn the hard way? Why do we believe that we are exempt from temptation and pain or from history repeating itself with us? Why don’t we listen to our elders who have experienced our pains and our hurts, who know the signs and can see them clearly? Why would we rather test it out for ourselves? It’s literally unwise. And I guarantee, one of my biggest lessons from last year was to listen to and heed the advice and counsel from my leaders. And my prayer is that you would now listen and heed the advice I’m giving you. Don’t be like me and do the wrong to have to learn of God’s grace. Just hear me and do it right the first time. Let His word guide and minister to you. It’s true, I promise. You don’t have to go through what I went through to know it. I AM TESTIFYING FOR A REASON. SO THAT YOU DON’T HAVE TO SUFFER THE WAY I DID. The emotional pain, the anger, the mental suffering, it’s not worth it. Yes God healed, restored, strengthened and renewed me, but I wouldn’t even willingly chose to go through it again. On top of that, I have to live with the mistake I made. Nothing is worse than thinking back to the moment. It’s a trigger. It’s almost worst than the moment itself. But thank God for grace. I’m telling y’all though.. do better. Get it right the first time. Matt and Mariah did it. And as much as I strived and desired to go after what they had, I fell (failed). If the signs are evident, call them out. Don’t hope for what isn’t, acknowledge what is and act accordingly. Stand your ground. You are worth it. 

Until next time . .