Well, hello September. Quite a year it’s been right? If I could sum up my experience in to one word though, it’d be: grateful. Because despite the challenges, the heartbreak, the trouble—I’m still here. And if you’re reading this, you are too. As simple as it is, we’re still here—don’t forget that.

In other news though, it’s been a few weeks since I posted. And I’m going to be honest—I may look like I’ve been doing good, but I’ve been struggling in silence to say the least, which I didn’t even know honestly until this morning. I’ve been fighting to not deal with the pain in my circumstances and it’s been doing me more harm than good. And what the Lord gave me this morning in prayer was that we cannot run from nor hide or ignore the pain in our lives. No matter how insignificant we may think it seems to God, He cares about it. And He can only help us through it when we are open with Him about it.

Not many people know, I recently lost my car—and some may think, it’s just a car. And that’s true, I’ve been trying to convince myself of the same, but it hasn’t been working. I even tried to reason with myself this morning, considering that not having a car hasn’t kept me from working (I mean I’m working from home, so no hindrance there); it hasn’t kept me from going to church, it has no (physical) effect on my ability to worship and praise the Lord, so why am I so hurt by it? It’s just a material thing. It can be replaced, so why is it effecting me so deeply? And although, again, all these statements are true—it doesn’t change the fact that I’m hurt. I’m mad. I’m frustrated. I’m tired. I’m upset that this has happened to me. I’m annoyed that I didn’t just keep my car. And it wasn’t until I opened up to God about those truths that I actually felt His love comforting me. It wasn’t until I poured out my heart, IN TEARS, that I truly felt like He really heard me.

For the past two months, I’ve been trying to encourage myself and others, with my story. I’ve been trying to pretend like I’m over it; trying to pretend like I’m not suffering. Like I’ve truly accepted the truth that the car fulfilled it’s purpose with me and God must’ve wanted it for someone else. Trying to pretend like it isn’t bothering me that I’m having to look for a car, when my car was one payment away from being paid off. Trying to pretend like I’m this super-Christian that’s not effected by material losses. Oh yeah, I’m over it, FOR. SURE. But it’s not by my might nor by my power that I’m going to get through this, but by the Spirit of God. It’s not by my strength because I’m about worn out already, but it’s through the strength I draw from my relationship with Him that I will keep fighting.

The moral of this post is that we can’t get around our pain but we have to sit in it sometimes. Most times, we have no other way but to go through it. As much as I’ve tried to fill my time and thoughts with other things more pleasurable or satisfying; as much as I’ve kept “busy,” or overcompensated in other areas of my life to keep from crying (because this isn’t the only pain I’ve been dealing with), it just doesn’t work. It doesn’t change the pain that I’m attempting to cover up. So, if there’s something you’ve been hiding or running from—I encourage you to just deal with it. Go through it. Tell the Lord how you really feel. He can take it. He’s not upset or turned away by your humanness. Your emotions are valid. And He cares about them. Go to Him in prayer and let Him strengthen you. And remember, whatever you’re dealing with, it may seem bad—but I know He’ll make it work for your good. The sooner you open up to Him, the sooner you free yourself from the pain and are able to heal, grow, and overcome.

In the mean time, y’all stay tuned(as well as pray for me), there’s a testimony coming soon.. cus my emotions are very much alive still. 😭 I don’t know what the lesson is yet—it may be humility as a friend mentioned to me just yesterday. But as I declared when this all first started, there’s a blessing coming from somewhere(and I don’t mean just a new car). I may not know or understand it now, but in due time, it’ll all make sense. And I’ll be sure to let you all know.

Until next time . .

“Then he answered and spake unto me, saying, This is the word of the Lord unto Zerubbabel, saying, Not by might, nor by power, but by my spirit, saith the Lord of hosts.” ‭‭- Zechariah‬ ‭4:6‬ ‭(KJV‬‬)

“In conclusion, be strong in the Lord [draw your strength from Him and be empowered through your union with Him] and in the power of His [boundless] might.” ‭‭- Ephesians‬ ‭6:10‬ ‭(AMP‬‬)

“So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.” - ‭‭1 Peter‬ ‭5:6-7‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28‬ ‭(NLT‬‬)