Pride Goes Before Destruction

My posts are usually well thought out, planned over a month’s worth of time, read over and over again until . . . it’s ‘perfect.” Not this one. This one I’m giving to you straight raw. And as much as it’s killing me to do so, it’s something that I have to do! I have been challenged for the next month to post once a week and I’ll explain to you why.

I’m a perfectionist. Everything I do (and I mean everything) has to be organized, planned out, and aligned with the vision I have in MY head. During my devotion today, however, it hit me that being a perfectionist is and has always been my downfall. I have always tried to understand life all on my own. My pride and perfectionism want to know every move before I make it. It has to be done in such a way that I don’t look bad on the other side. It’s been a form of protection, I will say, from scrutiny . . . from humiliation . . . from rejection . . . from failure. But I asked myself a question this morning after reading Proverbs 20:24 (NLT) which reads, “The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?” The question I wrote for myself was, “are you willing to walk His way even if you don’t have it all planned out?” And that’s when it hit me. I don’t have it all planned out and as much as I would like to, I never will. So my answer has to be YES. My trust must be in Him, not in myself. It almost scares me to think how much I’ve missed out on by relying on myself. By pretending that I am some perfect being that can do no wrong. By believing that I am too good for shame and persecution.  By regarding what others may think or feel if I say ‘no.’

Not anymore.

This is my public cry out . . . Lord, I need you.

“

Deceitful Heart; Spirit of Truth

Did I ever imagine that not having my father in my life would have such a huge impact on me? Truthfully, I didn’t. I never carried any resentment, anger, or bitterness. At least not on the surface. I told myself he never did any real damage to me to make me dislike him...to hate him.. little did I know that I was lying to myself to cover up the pain of his absence. Why wasn’t he there? Why didn’t he stay? Why didn’t he clean himself up? Why didn’t he love me? Was I not worthy? Did I not deserve it? Did he not want me? The truth, is what I ran from. The pain of that being true, I never wanted to feel that. But today.. it was brought to the light. And now, at 23 years old, I see the damage it has done.

I am a hopeless romantic. I desire to be loved, to be held, to be embraced, to be chased, to be treasured, to belong. You may think don’t all females want that? Of course. But I believe the root of my desires come from the lack of having that growing up. My dad wasn’t there to BE all of that for me first, so I sought for it hopelessly... thinking there must be a man out there that will want me...that will love me. From my past relationship experience, I often times found myself asking how different would my life be if my dad had been around? If he had been there to love me first? To SHOW me how I am supposed to be loved? To protect me? Why do I have to search so HOPELESSLY for it?

These desires I searched healing from for years. I never had a true example to look up to in my family or in anyone around me. I feared for what or who I would end up with. I didn’t want to end up alone. I didn’t want broken marriages. I wanted TRUE love. And I only found that when I found God. He showed me FIRST how I am to be loved. He embraced me—He holds me in His arms. He cries out for me. He treasures me. He says I BELONG to Him, that I am His and there is no other confirmation I need from this world. There is no other being that can show me a greater love than His. His love is PERFECT and I see the gifts of loving His way. I now have Godly examples of what His love manifested is supposed to look like. And that is the only kind of love I want. He says I am worthy and deserving and if God loves me, He will forever be all that I need.  

And so if you want that kind of love, just search His word for it. It took for me to know God to know my worth. To know the thoughts He has about me brought me to believe them for myself. He poured out His Spirit because He loved me so much and He is passionate to see that the Spirit He placed in me be faithful to Him. Therefore, I am committed to Him—heart, mind, body, soul. With all the strength I have, I give Him all of me. I trust Him enough to know that He will send the right person at the right time. No longer am I searching hopelessly, yet I am waiting patiently for him, whoever he may be, to find me—“He who finds a [true and faithful] wife finds a good thing and obtains favor and approval from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22 (AMP)). In the meantime, I am embracing my singleness and giving all that I have to God.

“For God so loved the world, that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” - John 3:16 (KJV)

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord, “They are plans for good and not for disaster. to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT)

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” - ! Corinthians 13:4-7 (NLT)

“Do you think the Scriptures have no meaning? They say that God is passionate that the sprit He has placed within us should be faithful to Him.” - James 4:5 (NLT)

“I am saying this for your benefit, not to place restrictions on you. I want you to do whatever will help you serve the Lord best, with as few distractions as possible.” - 1 Corinthians 7:35 (NLT)

You Have A Choice

Believe it or not, but you have a choice. God gave us all free will, so yes, it is true that we have a choice. To live right or to live wrong. To do good or to do evil. You would think that the choice is always easy. But the truth is, it’s not. Reason being, we are human. And as humans, we battle greatly with the desires of our flesh and those of the Spirit. The one that overpowers is the one you succumb to the most. I’ll tell you my story... as it pertains to a specific desire of my flesh and how I found myself becoming a slave to sin.

All through high school, all my life really--(I’ll begin with when I was in high school though because this is when the pressure really kicked in)--I had the perfect idea of the kind of guy I wanted to be with. Every moment mapped out in my mind HAD to be special. I wasn’t willing to sacrifice my fairy tale for a moment with someone who I didn’t feel I had a future with. I wanted my first one to be my only one. I believed in that. I wasn’t in to dating just for the fun of it or messing around with different guys. I dreamed of having just ONE and sharing every special moment imaginable with him. But I got to high school and things began to change. My freshmen year, I dated a guy who I thought ‘maybe this could be him.’ He was sweet, caring, cute, tall, and he wanted ME (mind you, this was during the insecure stage of my life). After two months, it was over because we hadn’t kissed yet. I had spent too much time planning the perfect moment in my head, wanting the timing and the setting to be '“just right”. . . and there it started. I broke up with him... and even though I hadn’t done anything with him, I felt like he took every piece of innocence I had. It was then when I began to feel like if I wanted a guy to like me, I had to be willing to give up a little. So, as I got older, I began to seek opportunities for experience. I had always been the ‘good girl,’ but now I was becoming the one that everyone wanted but couldn’t have. I would tease with my body language; I would entice with my words; I would caress with my hands. You could have some of me, but no one was ever worthy of all of me. Until this one came along...

SIDE NOTE: One thing I will say that I was “proud” of (which I am not promoting this mindset in any way) was that I held on to my word of not losing my virginity until I was at least 18. I considered waiting until marriage. 18 came along, however, and I said to myself, I can really keep holding on... but the attention I was now receiving got to my head. Marriage seemed so far away. At this time, I had options and I just had to make a choice.

His name shall remain nameless. I had a small interest in him since my sophomore year, though it wasn’t until senior year AFTER graduation that he showed true interest back. He showed signs in school, but they were subtle. I noticed them the most because of that. He wasn’t bold and fearless like the other guys who lured for my attention. He was quiet and patient. We talked for a few months after graduating and before we were even official . . . he told me he loved me. I told him I loved him too. And so, my slavery began.

My desire to love and to be loved by someone was manifesting. To be IN LOVE with someone . . . I was in way too deep already. After multiple conversations, I was convinced that he was the one that was worth it. Months later, my innocence was truly gone. I had given it up . . . for a moment, for someone, that wasn’t worth it. In that moment I knew it was wrong, yet every part of my body felt right. Every part of me wanted it to happen. From that night on, it was like I couldn’t stop myself. I yearned for him, day and night. Every chance we had, I was giving myself away. There would be moments where I felt disgusted, but I figured ‘it’s already been done so why stop now?’ After the first time, it doesn’t really matter anymore. Right? No. Wrong!

DISCLAIMER: This post is not to shame or bash those I’ve had sensual encounters with, for it takes two. This is not to credit the guys as being bad people either. This post is to shed light on the battle we face with our flesh; the temptations we fall in to for the sake of being loved and appreciated.

After two and a half years of never ending trust issues and incompatible circumstances; after my confidence and self-worth reached an all-time low, I made up in my mind that I was worth more. I deserved more—my fairy tale! I was no longer going to accept less and be a slave to sin. Instead of searching for hopeless endings, I searched my heart for the truth. I needed to love and enjoy ME first before I could share myself with anyone. I needed to take time to figure out who I was and what I really wanted and, in that time, . . . I found God. I can look back over those years and realize that He was crying out for me. I felt the heaviness on my heart that the way I was living was just not right. As my relationship with Him grew deeper, He revealed to me that “for when we died with Christ we are set free from the power of sin” (Romans 6:7 (NLT)). I am here to proclaim that I am no longer a slave to sin. As it is written, the world twisted His law and used it against me. Lust instead of love. In high school, the rejection, the disappointment, all those things made me feel unworthy of His love. Undeserving of His grace. It led me to distrust the plans He had for me, like the desires of my heart were purely hopeless. But through His word, I have found the truth! “Sin is no longer your master, for you no longer live under the requirements of the law. Instead you live under the freedom of God’s grace” (Romans 6:14 (NLT)).

As my title states, you have a choice. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I chose to do it anyway. God explains this all in Romans 7. In our hearts we want to do right, but the fact that we are human is what causes us to do wrong. Instead of fulfilling the desires of the Spirit, we fulfill those of the flesh. We are at a constant war within ourselves because of the way the world uses God’s law against us—in movies, TV, music, magazines--it’s everywhere! And for a while, I had lost hope for my one—the one that I know God has for me. The one with whom I will share every special moment; the one that I know will be worth it; just the one . . . as God intends it--“But because of [the temptation to participate in] sexual immortality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2 (AMP)). Now, my hope is restored. And for you? I pray that you will seek the truth for yourself and decide . . . is it worth it? The temptations will come, just remember . . . you have a choice.

“The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13 (NLT)

“And remember, when you are being tempted, do not say, “God is tempting me.” God is never tempted to do wrong, and He never tempts anyone else. Temptation comes from our own desires, which entice us and drag us away. These desires give birth to sinful actions. And when sin is allowed to grow, it gives birth to death.” – 1 James 1:13-15 (NLT)

“Drink water from your own well—share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone? You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.” – Proverbs 5:15-17 (NLT)

“If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed.” John 8:36 (KJV)

The Word of God

The world could never be enough. The word of God provides something that the world never could. The word of God gives us hope that there is more to life. In the world, we seek endlessly, that there has to be more. That this can’t be it. That I have to move beyond where I am. That there’s a higher level of success that I can reach. That I can overcome my past. That I can defy the odds. That I can live beyond my current circumstances. That there’s someone greater out there for me. That I’m worthy to be loved. That I deserve to be happy. That I can live in peace. That I can walk in freedom. That I can have meaningful relationships. That I can trust others with my heart. That I can let someone get close to me without fear of them hurting me. That I can love myself. The world . . . doesn’t tell us these things. In the world, these are just painful thoughts. In the world, we’re never satisfied. In the world, our hopes are impossible ends. In the world, our dreams are too big. In the world, our hearts are empty. Our minds are fragile. In the world . . .

The word of God speaks against everything in it. In the word of God, I found my true worth. I found love. I found hope for a better future. I found expectation in something greater than this world. I found peace in where I am. I found trust in being transparent. I found strength and courage to be someone other than what the world told me I would. I found comfort in being exactly who God created me to be and in HOW he created me. I found purpose greater than myself. I found relationships that will last forever. I found joy that filled every empty space in my heart. I found grace that is sufficient. I found mercy that is renewed EVERY. DAY. I found . . .

THE TRUTH. If you’ve never heard it before, I’m here to tell you the world . . . will never be enough. You’ll always want more. You’ll always be looking for something or maybe even someone better. You’ll always wonder if there’s somewhere else you should be than where you are. I’m here to tell you also, that the word of God . . . fulfills every worry, every need, every fear. It was the same yesterday, it’s the same today, and it will be the same tomorrow. The word of God . . . Is the light in my heart that takes away EVERY. THING . . the world gave me. The word of God . . 🙌🏽

“That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.” - 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (NLT)

”For God, who said, “Let there be light in the darkness,” has made this light shine in our hearts so we could know the glory of God that is seen in the face of a Jesus Christ.” - 2 Corinthians 4:6 (NLT)

”Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will reveal to us later.” - Romans 8:18 (NLT)

“But you belong to God, my dear children. You have already won a victory over those people, because the Spirit who lives in you is greater than the spirit who lives in the world.” - 1 John 4:4 (NLT)