From Glory to Glory
So I wrote and published a blog post last week, which some of you may have seen, but I took it down a few hours later because it was not a good reflection of my character. The way it was written did not sit well in my spirit and I instantly felt convicted about it. From there, I knew I needed to deal with what had been stirring in me for weeks, so I went on a fast and sought the Lord for forgiveness and guidance. And so today, a week later, I’m writing this post to first give glory to God for the deliverance bc y’all, that post was full of bitterness, a little bit of anger, and the worst of all—envy. Secondly, I’m writing this post bc I was encouraged to not only testify but to share the post from last week as well in full transparency. I got caught up in a rant in this post, which took away from my original message in regards to the art of giving (I’ll likely re-write it), and though it was in regards to something I think we all struggle with from time to time, I was not proud of how it came out. So, here’s the full post, no edits; and I’ll meet you at the end for further discussion.
“What matters to you the most—the gift, the thought behind the gift, the price of the gift, the gift-er themselves/who it came from? Or maybe just the fact that they showed up? What do you enjoy the most about giving?
I remember a season in my life not too long ago where it pained me to not be in a place where I could afford to give(by my measure). Living paycheck to paycheck is no fun. Birthdays, baby showers, graduations, all these things were happening and I often had to remind myself that maybe just showing up is enough. I could afford to get to the celebration, but I often times showed up empty handed. There were times where I even doubted going because again I could get there, but didn’t have enough to pay for dinner or games, whatever it may have been. And I haaaated it. Literally. (small tangent: I remember when I got my first job, the first thing I wanted to do for Christmas was buy something special for as many people that I could. I remember buying gifts for two of my little cousins I think maybe for the first time for their birthdays—they were teenagers). Nevertheless, I’ve had seasons where I was able and those where I wasn’t. And I just write this as I reflect and rejoice in being in another season of being able. Which caused me to think, that I pray to never lose this part of me.
I’ve never been big on gifts, don’t get me wrong I enjoy them. But truthfully, the greatest gift anyone could ever give to me, what matters most to me, is showing up. Nothing really compares to having the people you care about the most show up to celebrate your life’s biggest moments with you. I always have trouble when people ask me what I want for my birthday. Though I sometimes know what I want, I say ‘IDK’ because I don’t want people to think that that’s what or all that I care about. My love language is definitely not gifts (hint to my husband), but you being there for me means so much more than what money could ever buy. And ya know, this reaches beyond birthdays and graduations; in this new age of social media, a like, a comment, a share, showing up in that way, really does go a long way too. Now I don’t desire those things for validation or acceptance (do I?), I did that for too long; to me it just shows that you’re paying attention, that you care, that you’re interested, that you support who I am or what I’m doing. And this could very well be flipped on me and you could easily say maybe my expectations are too high. But who’s aren’t? We’re human. We need love and affection. Or am I speaking for just myself? And don’t come for me and say Jesus can be that because I know that he can. He IS. But please, hear me when I say, a small gesture goes a long way. When my brother showed up to my elementary “daddy-daughter breakfasts,” or when he showed up to my fifth grade graduation, I was the happiest little girl. It’s those kinds of things that stick with me—that speak volume. I’m not a person that’s impressed by what you can buy me. You’re going to have to come a little harder than that, lol. But show up for me and I will show up for you.
This brings me to my next point. It’s hard to maintain a pure, consistent, level of giving when it’s not always reciprocated. And this is why I said I pray I never lose this part of me because I’m human too, and sometimes, my flesh says, ‘treat them how they treat you.’ But we know the bible says, “it is better to give than to receive.” And I have to keep that word tucked in tight because sometimes . . . sometimes. But can I be honest? It sucks. It hurts. And I’m sure it’s something we all deal with or think about, but I ensure to stay connected to the source so that my cup never runs dry and I can continue to give no matter what’s being given unto me. Is it easy? Of course not. As I mentioned earlier, we all want to be loved. But sometimes, you have to acknowledge and appreciate those that have shown up and those that keep showing up; show grace to those who haven’t shown up yet and be patient for those who will show up, and keep it pushing. Everyone’s not meant to be a part of your journey nor your fan club, and THAT IS OKAY. (i’m preaching to myself). So as long as God be for you, who can be against you? You may not get the praise or recognition you desire from everyone close to you, it doesn’t mean they love you any less. We all are guilty, self included, for supporting and promoting those things that are important to us or that we find relevant; those things that we’re passionate about or whatever it is! So who can really be mad? We all have the liberty to choose and likely just need to get over ourselves (again, preaching to me too). And just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there. In the end, everyone won’t need what you’re offering but someone does; so do it anyway. Don’t be discouraged. If no one else sees you, He sees you and knows your heart. So don’t give up or give in. Stay true to you, because what we reap, we’ve sown. (..oh if the Lord won’t humble you in your own rant, haha).. but these are just thoughts. My truth. I write for myself mostly, but I know someone else out there may be feeling it too, so this one’s for you.
So, again I ask, what matters to you the most? There’s no wrong or right answer. I’m just curious. Be honest with yourself, with your loved ones, your friends, so that they can learn and know how to love you. My heart is big and that sometimes is a weakness for me. And I have to count on God to fill it. Sometimes we can only give from what we have and need to focus less on what we don’t have. Sometimes showing up truly is enough. So continue to do your part. Continue to give and share your love, your joy, your peace, your time—the things that don’t carry a price tag. The things the world didn’t give neither can it take away. I guarantee they matter more than you know.”
Okay, ew right? Clearly, I was upset and attempted to disguise it behind the whole notion of ‘giving.’ And honestly y’all, I don’t even know how I took that turn, it just happened—I thought it made sense, so I went with it. But even before posting, I felt the hesitation and knew I was approaching the situation completely wrong. Yet it took for me to go through with the act to experience the fullness of what was going on with me. Mind you also, the Lord had been nudging at me for a couple of weeks to go on a fast but I persisted in ignoring and putting it off, which didn’t work in my favor.
You’ve read a lot already so I’ll try to wrap this up, lol.. Essentially, my good friend Dr. S and I recently spoke on the importance of self-reflection and I wanted to share a little bit of what I got from it. As I mentioned earlier, one of the things I’d been struggling with the past week was envy. Why aren’t people watching our videos? Reading our posts? Liking, commenting, sharing, blah blah blah. (sidenote: social media is really dangerous y’all. pls guard your hearts). And in my time of reflection, while I was fasting, I came across the story of Cain and Abel. And the scripture that stood out to me was Genesis 4:6-7 (AMP) which reads, “And the LORD said to Cain, “Why are you so angry? And why do you look annoyed? If you do well [believing Me and doing what is acceptable and pleasing to Me], will you not be accepted? And if you do not do well [but ignore My instruction], sin crouches at your door; its desire is for you [to overpower you], but you must master it.”” Instantly, I had the revelation, that often times, our envy comes from our own shortcomings, our own faults, our own limiting beliefs, our own doubt, our own failures . . . you get the picture. And so instantly again, I had to ask myself.. is what I’m doing, acceptable to God? Or is it something I’ve just thrown together?
As I studied the story, I made the interpretation that Abel had presented his best to the Lord. But Cain, brought what he thought to be acceptable, and when the Lord turned him down, he got mad and later killed his brother in that rage and bitterness. The nerve right? Why was Cain mad at Abel for giving his best? The reality though, is that Cain was mad at himself for not giving his best and took it out on the one who had the honor and acceptance. How often do we present ourselves to the Lord, knowing that we didn’t give our all, yet somehow still manage to hope that we’ll receive some kind of recognition for our efforts? How many times have we been mad at the one who actually took time to give their best, while we just quickly gave whatever we had left? You don’t have to answer now, but I hope I’m not alone. On another note, the Lord asked him, in my words, if you do what is right, will you not be accepted too? Why didn’t Cain take his opportunity to redeem himself? Why didn’t he just humble himself and say you know what, you’re right, let me go try again. And oftentimes, we ignore that invitation too, but gracefully, I caught mine. I was not willing to see how far the bitterness and envy would drag me, so I removed the post, sought wise counsel, fasted, and I decided to come back with something hopefully, more pleasing and more acceptable.
So, what does this all mean you ask? It means, whenever you feel the need to compare, or rather begin to see the fruit of bitterness and envy baring in your life, you likely need to self-reflect and take a look at yourself. 2 Corinthians 3:18 (AMP) says, “And we all, with unveiled face, continually seeing as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are progressively being transformed into His image from [one degree of] glory to [even more] glory, which comes from the Lord, [who is] the Spirit.” We are all on a journey to salvation, and during this time, the Lord is going to reshape, reform, and refine each of us in a different way. Each victory, each win, each accomplishment, each blessing, is an indication of God moving us from glory to glory, and as sisters and brothers in Christ, that needs to be celebrated, not envied. We should be encouraging one another’s growth in Christ and appreciating the reflection of Him that we get to see in each other. Even more, we need to learn to take the time to reflect and focus on God’s work within ourselves, so that we too, can be taken from glory to glory. And rest assured, that there is enough glory to go around; God has an infinitely, abundant supply. He also gave us all different gifts and talents and different measures of them for a reason—to fulfill our individual purposes. And as the body of Christ, we need each other to do their absolute best to perform well as a whole.
And so, I hope my transparency has inspired you and given you new perspective because I’m surely grateful for the grace God has shown me through His word. Envy is an ugly, dirty sin and needs to be addressed sooner than later. If God is nudging at you or given you an opportunity to correct yourself, take it. The understanding, the joy, the peace, the love, the freedom He gives in exchange for your sin and the fruits of it, is soo, so much greater.
Until next time . .