A question often asked of ourselves but rarely answered (truthfully). We tell ourselves that we’re not afraid and find ways to justify our foolish behaviors. When I ask, ‘what are you afraid of,’ I don’t mean the simple things like heights, spiders, the dark, etc. I want to know what paralyzes your being? See, we are all human... but being takes courage. It takes faith. It takes believing that you CAN BE whatever you want to be. What was I afraid of you ask? I was afraid to be myself.

One of the first things I learned about myself when I began my walk with God was my fear of disappointment, rejection, and embarrassment. The fear of experiencing these emotions began at a very young age and it followed me all the way to college. I never wanted to put myself in a position where those feelings would be on public display, so what did I do? I lived in a shell. You ask anyone in my family, anyone I went to school with, I was known as the ‘quiet one.’ I always played it safe. I never dared to raise my hand in class to potentially give the wrong answer to a question. I danced and sang in the safety of my home, but never in crowds of people. I feared expressing my needs to others because there was always a feeling that people wouldn’t be there for me as I was for them. All these things I still struggle with from time to time, but the difference between now and then . . . is the truth.

I’d be lying if I told you I knew where and how these fears manifested. Was I born with them? Were they learned behaviors? Was there one experience that just changed me forever? I honestly don’t know, but what I do know, is that I wasn’t meant to live that way. In the midst of my fears, there was always a voice in my head that nudged at me to speak up, to dance, to ASK. It was so quiet though; so soft and subtle that my doubts and insecurities overpowered it every single time it began to speak. I did not recognize it, so by the time I figured out what I should have done or what I could have said, the moment was gone. Fear won yet again. Another memory missed. Another friendship lost. The cycle repeated for years. My trust in myself got so small that I could not affirm who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. So naturally, I found myself conforming to the ways of the world—giving in to lustful desires, engaging in drunkenness, harboring envy and hatred, idolizing man. That soft voice got quieter. My world got smaller. I was stuck—lost and hopeless. Until one day, I heard the voice again. I listened carefully this time. The nudging began, I followed. I felt like I was getting closer. Sooner than later, I walked in to New Destiny Apostolic Church and there He was… finally, I knew who’s voice it was.

I was in complete awe. I had never walked in to an unfamiliar place and felt the way that I did that night. I had already been looking for a church home and was not expecting my search to be so short. I felt the true presence of God the moment I walked through the door. Not knowing anyone, I sat towards the back but that was short lived too. I was quickly invited to move up to the front and instantly felt like I belonged. What I experienced, was a genuine embrace of love—the kind that only God can provide. That night I left knowing that ‘this was it--’ this is where I belong, this is what I’ve been looking for, this is where I find myself. I made the choice to give up worldly desires and surrendered to His way of living. I was no longer conforming to the world; I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind. Over time, the fears tried to speak up again, the doubt was its encouragement, but I was sure enough that I wasn’t going to let them overpower the voice of God this time. It was time to break out of that shell I lived in and nothing was going to stop me. I wanted freedom and in Him, I found it.

So needless to say, this was the start to a new beginning. Within a month of visiting the church, I received the gift of the Holy Spirit. Three weeks later, I was washed in His blood, baptized in the Name of Jesus. My mind was made up. His soft voice was now right in my ear and there was no chance I was turning away from it this time. The awesome thing about God, is that He is patient. His voice may be soft, but it is strong. He doesn’t yell. And He doesn’t chase after you. God waits. . . with His arms wide open, ready to embrace you and to give you everything you need.

So, this is to the new (and true) ME. This blog is for the next person who needs that nudging to find and follow the voice of God. As I share my testimony, I pray that you will find yourself in God’s arms, open and willing to embrace Him and all that He has for you. As He reveals His heart to me, I will continue to share mine with you.

Welcome To . . . Monet’s Truth <3