Free Worshipper

This message has been one on my heart for months. God gave it to me a while back, when the blog was still just a thought in my mind. Weeks and weeks have gone by and I’ve been wrestling with myself on when to post it. Wrestling with the thought that this is something everyone’s already heard before. Wrestling with the thought that it wasn’t ready yet. Wrestling with when I thought the time would be right. Wrestling . . . with my own authority. But today, God put me under His authority. And after today, I won’t hold back. I can’t afford to hold back. I don’t know who my words are for but if God has given me the authority to speak, then that is what I will do. I stood idly in the background, these past couple of months thinking, ‘I’m waiting on God to give me a word . . . I’m waiting on Him to give me the authority.’ Truth be told though, He’s been waiting on me to submit to it.

My experiences may not be for everyone, but my prayer is that they will be for some ONE. Some ONE who doesn’t know where to begin. Some ONE who wants to start over. Some ONE who has lost their way and needs redirecting. Some ONE who needs a new path to follow. To that some ONE . . . I AM HERE. No longer under the authority of myself. But IN the authority of the Most High. So when He gives me the word . . . I won’t hold back.

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One morning, the question arose in my head, “why do you worship the way that you do?”  Better yet, I felt the question should be why would I not? To worship God is to love Him. And I worship Him because He loves me. I worship Him because of who He is and what He has done for me. I worship Him because He deserves it. I worship Him because He broke me out of that shell I lived in for years. When I first visited New Destiny for a Sunday morning service, I thought it would be like any other church I had been to before. It would begin with the choir singing a few songs; some people would stand to their feet and give praise; some would do a small two step while clapping their hands; then the Pastor would preach and it would be over. But not at New Destiny. This experience was something that I had never seen before. The greatest difference that captivated me was seeing the youth leading what we identify as worship. At that time, I had no true understanding of what it meant to worship. I stood at my seat and watched because that’s what I was used to doing. That was the experience I had growing up whenever I went to church. I did my two step, clapped my hands, but there was no WORSHIP. By this point, I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. I thought to myself, ‘I am not used to this.’ But God had already placed it on my heart that this was the place for me. So, though I was uncomfortable, I was not going to run away. I didn’t know much about these people and why they were doing as much as they were, but it was made up in my mind that whatever it was, I wanted it. Whatever God had given them, I wanted it.

So what did I do? I went back the following Sunday. And the Sunday after that and . . . that’s when it happened. That Sunday, I went in with an expectation of being changed. The previous Sunday, at the end of the sermon, the Pastor did an Altar call. I didn’t answer then because of fear and doubt but this Sunday, I told myself if He calls me again, I’m answering. And I am so grateful that He did. That Sunday, the Pastor preached on the topic of the trumpet. In the last days, before Jesus returns, there will be a playing of a trumpet and only those who have been chosen by God will hear it. In that moment, the fear of not hearing that trumpet was greater than the fear of getting out of my seat. Pastor opened the Altar and I remember being the first one to go up. I didn’t care what everyone thought. I didn’t care about being the only one. What I cared about was my freedom. And in all honesty, it took me a while to get it. Just being in the front of a room of people I barely knew was itself uncomfortable, but I had to get past that to do what was necessary for me to reach God. For a while, I stood there . . . eyes closed, head bowed, arms raised, as others prayed over me. I remember being afraid, not knowing what to say or what to do. The thought of just opening my eyes and going back to my seat ran through my mind so many times, but I had to tell it NO. I did not care how long it took me, I was not walking away from this moment. I wasn’t just waiting on God, but God was waiting on me. And as people were praying over me, I realized that I had to get even more uncomfortable, standing before Him. This was the moment of truth and I had to really open myself up to make room for Him. So that day, I surrendered--I confessed of my wrongs, asked Him for His forgiveness, and I began to worship Him. That day, I repented and received the gift of the Holy Spirit and it was the most joyous, fulfilling moment of my life. That day . . . I got what I wanted. Rather, what I NEEDED. He poured His Spirit out for me and THAT is why I worship.

From that Sunday forward, I pushed myself to do more and that is what led me to worship the way I do today. For years, I lived with the thought that ‘it has to be more to it.’ More than the two-step, more than clapping your hands. God is TOO great for just that. At New Destiny, I found the truth. Praise is for who He is, but worship is for what He has done. Isaiah 12:4-5 (NLT) reads, “4In that wonderful day you will sing: Thank the Lord! Praise His name! Tell the nations what He has done. Let them know how mighty He is! 5Sing to the Lord, for He has done wonderful things. Make known His praise around the world.” We worship to show the world how great is the God we serve and anyone who steps foot in the church will see. If when we go to concerts to see our favorite music artist or to a sports game to watch our favorite team, if we put in such a great effort to dance and to celebrate them, why would we not do just as much plus more for God? Imagine, if the church had been exactly what I was expecting when I walked in, would I have come back a second time? A third? Probably not. I needed something different, something real and New Destiny showed me just that. Was it uncomfortable for me? Of course! But as time passed, my understanding grew, and my faith got stronger. I look forward to every Sunday because I get to celebrate my freedom in His presence. Even greater, I get to share this freedom with some amazing people who love to worship as much as I do. It’s an honor to worship the Lord. No matter the circumstances, when I think of all the good things He has done for me, I know that I OWE Him my worship. I remind myself constantly of the shell I lived and how good it feels to finally be free. I have lost time to make up for! In the end, God was, is, and will always be the reason . . . why I worship.

Matthew 24:31 (NLT): “And he will send out his angels with the mighty blast of a trumpet, and they will gather his chosen ones from all over the world—from the farthest ends of the earth and heavens.”

Matthew 24:42 (NLT): “So you, too, must keep watch! For you don’t know what day your Lord is coming.”

INTRO: What are you afraid of?

A question often asked of ourselves but rarely answered (truthfully). We tell ourselves that we’re not afraid and find ways to justify our foolish behaviors. When I ask, ‘what are you afraid of,’ I don’t mean the simple things like heights, spiders, the dark, etc. I want to know what paralyzes your being? See, we are all human... but being takes courage. It takes faith. It takes believing that you CAN BE whatever you want to be.  What was I afraid of you ask? I was afraid to be myself.

One of the first things I learned about myself when I began my walk with God was my fear of disappointment, rejection, and embarrassment.  The fear of experiencing these emotions began at a very young age and it followed me all the way to college.  I never wanted to put myself in a position where those feelings would be on public display, so what did I do?  I lived in a shell.  You ask anyone in my family, anyone I went to school with, I was known as the ‘quiet one.’  I always played it safe.  I never dared to raise my hand in class to potentially give the wrong answer to a question.  I danced and sang in the safety of my home, but never in crowds of people.  I feared expressing my needs to others because there was always a feeling that people wouldn’t be there for me as I was for them.  All these things I still struggle with from time to time, but the difference between now and then . . . is the truth. 

I’d be lying if I told you I knew where and how these fears manifested. Was I born with them? Were they learned behaviors?  Was there one experience that just changed me forever?  I honestly don’t know, but what I do know, is that I wasn’t meant to live that way.  In the midst of my fears, there was always a voice in my head that nudged at me to speak up, to dance, to ASK.  It was so quiet though; so soft and subtle that my doubts and insecurities overpowered it every single time it began to speak.  I did not recognize it, so by the time I figured out what I should have done or what I could have said, the moment was gone.  Fear won yet again.  Another memory missed.  Another friendship lost.  The cycle repeated for years.  My trust in myself got so small that I could not affirm who I wanted to be or what I wanted to do.  So naturally, I found myself conforming to the ways of the world—giving in to lustful desires, engaging in drunkenness, harboring envy and hatred, idolizing man.  That soft voice got quieter.  My world got smaller.  I was stuck—lost and hopeless.  Until one day, I heard the voice again.  I listened carefully this time.  The nudging began, I followed.  I felt like I was getting closer.  Sooner than later, I walked in to New Destiny Apostolic Church and there He was… finally, I knew who’s voice it was. 

I was in complete awe.  I had never walked in to an unfamiliar place and felt the way that I did that night.  I had already been looking for a church home and was not expecting my search to be so short.  I felt the true presence of God the moment I walked through the door.  Not knowing anyone, I sat towards the back but that was short lived too.  I was quickly invited to move up to the front and instantly felt like I belonged.  What I experienced, was a genuine embrace of love—the kind that only God can provide. That night I left knowing that ‘this was it--’ this is where I belong, this is what I’ve been looking for, this is where I find myself.  I made the choice to give up worldly desires and surrendered to His way of living.  I was no longer conforming to the world; I was being transformed by the renewing of my mind.  Over time, the fears tried to speak up again, the doubt was its encouragement, but I was sure enough that I wasn’t going to let them overpower the voice of God this time.  It was time to break out of that shell I lived in and nothing was going to stop me.  I wanted freedom and in Him, I found it. 

So needless to say, this was the start to a new beginning.  Within a month of visiting the church, I received the gift of the Holy Spirit.  Three weeks later, I was washed in His blood, baptized in the Name of Jesus.  My mind was made up.  His soft voice was now right in my ear and there was no chance I was turning away from it this time.  The awesome thing about God, is that He is patient. His voice may be soft, but it is strong. He doesn’t yell. And He doesn’t chase after you. God waits. . . with His arms wide open, ready to embrace you and to give you everything you need. 

So, this is to the new (and true) ME. This blog is for the next person who needs that nudging to find and follow the voice of God. As I share my testimony, I pray that you will find yourself in God’s arms, open and willing to embrace Him and all that He has for you. As He reveals His heart to me, I will continue to share mine with you.

Welcome To . . . Monet’s Truth <3