Fear Won’t Win

I wrote this about two months ago, and the fact that it’s still present today hurts like crazy. Writing is a form of expression for me, & I thought just putting it down for myself would help. Honestly though, putting it out there for others to see is what brings the healing. God made me the way I am for a purpose, and I will not shrink back because of fear. God chose me to be a living testimony, and I created this platform to use for the purpose of guiding and encouraging others that if I can do it, you can too. The enemy, man.. he fights hard. And as my Pastor said one day, he does not fight fair. He will do everything in his power to tear you down, to keep you from God and His purpose. And he only has as much power as we give him. So, this is me taking my power back. I’m not perfect. I’m going to feel weakened, defeated; but because of the power of the Spirit that lives in me, I find strength to keep fighting! I will win in the end. So, here’s another piece to monet’s truth . . 

“God ever give you something so great that you start to believe that it isn’t real? Or rather.. it can’t be real? Too good to be true? The one thing you’ve prayed long and hard for and now that you have it, this huge fear of messing it up seems to follow you everywhere? The fear of losing it.. the fear of it getting up and walking away. The fear of not being enough or too complicated. The fear of it not working. The fear of the future and the unknown. The fear of losing yourself. The very thing you’ve put your all into getting, and now . . you’re scared? 

Yeah . . I’m hear to admit it. Fear has been on me heavy since March 17, 2019–the day I felt like my life took a huge turn. What started as a dream was now reality and I didn’t know that I would soon be face to face with fear. Day after day, it whispered in my ear. No matter what truth I hold in my heart, fear was right there to tell me something different. “It’s not worth it.” “You’re too much.” “Never mind, I don’t want it.” “It’s too hard already.” “You sure you’re ready?” “This is just like before.” “They’re going to look at you different.” My mind was racing. I wanted to run and hide and just pretend it all never happened. I was now walking into a chapter of my life I once thought was so far away, but now was closer than ever—it was real. The fear of wanting to do everything right.. the fear of never missing a beat.. the fear of taking a joke too far.. day after day.. just about every fear you can think had gone thru my mind. Yet day after day, I chose God. Day after day, I chose truth. 

The fear is going to come. What matters is how you react to it. I used to hide behind my fear. Never wanted to face it, never wanted to talk about it. Just had rather figured it out on my own and suffer silently; God will work it out eventually right? Nah, it wasn’t created to work that way. Whatever God puts together is for a purpose. And I wasn’t going to let fear keep me from that. I didn’t pray and prepare for this moment to turn away from it—I was here to embrace it. No matter how challenging it felt, I was always reassured that we were in this together. No matter how fleeing my flesh was, my Spirit told me to stay. I’d come to far to just come this far and quit. To turn down God’s blessing?! Come on Alleiah, get over yourself!”

So here I am, almost three months later . . declaring that fear will not win. I’ve been fighting a war on the inside and it’s because God is calling me higher. So of course the harder the feat. But Darren Keith Miller, you make it all worth it. You’re worth fighting for, you’re worth waiting for, you’re worth getting it right for. I love you beyond my understanding. You are my one. You bring out the best and the worst in me . . the ugly truths that I never allowed to rise to the surface. Now they’re for everyone to know. I won’t be ashamed or embarrassed. My voice will be heard, my truth will be shared. And however God wants to use it, I’m here for it. 

“And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” - 1 John 4:16-18 (KJV)

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” - 2 Timothy‬ ‭1:7‬ ‭(KJV‬‬)

“let no one split apart what God has joined together.” - Mark‬ ‭10:9‬ ‭(NLT‬)

Follow Through

So like I told y’all a few posts ago, I was challenged to post once a week for a month, and this week is week four. Tuesday came around, which was my designated day, and I literally got overwhelmed. It was like the pressure was on and my mind went blank. I don’t know why. I convinced myself I had nothing to say but was surely reminded that there is always something to say. And I want to take this post to encourage you, that if there’s a commitment you’ve made, whether big or small, whether to yourself or to someone else, follow through. There’s a reward that’s attached to it and we’ll never know what it is if we always give up right in the end. Making a habit of falling short is easy; it’s comfortable and it’s paralyzing. I know that sounds extreme but it’s true. How many ideas have you not followed through on? How many races did you not push through all the way until the end? How many opportunities did you miss because you didn’t take a chance?

Just doing it, is the hard part. And my Pastor preached on this a couple of weeks ago: how many times do we walk up to the open door and get turned around by fear and doubt and worry? We get so close to the breakthrough, then turn right back around to what’s comfortable. Why put in all the work in the beginning to fall short right in the end? You’ve GOT to follow through.

Imagine if Christ didn’t follow through? What if He got to the cross and said, “nah I don’t want to do this.” What if He turned around and went the opposite way? Where would that have left us? Christ is the ultimate example of follow through. No matter who was against Him, no matter what lies were told, no matter what challenges arose, He followed through. He was sent for one purpose and because He followed through, we live.

So don’t be distracted by the stumbling blocks, by the hardships, by the rejections that come from the world. There is a greater end that is bigger than you and God is asking you to follow through. That’s where faith is strengthened; that’s where confidence is built; that’s where purpose is identified. “But small is the gate and narrow and difficult to travel is the path that leads the way to [everlasting] life, and there are few who find it” Matthew 7:14‬ ‭(AMP‬‬).

If you want to find the way, you got to follow through. If this is the year of the impossible . . . follow through. You know why we don’t follow through sometimes? It’s because we don’t trust ourselves. And if we don’t trust ourselves, we don’t trust God. But when has He ever not did what He said that He would? When has He ever spoken anything other than the truth? When has He ever broken a promise? NEVER. God follows through. And so maybe, you think you’re waiting on Him, but really . . . He’s waiting on you . . .

Until next time . .

“God is not a man, that He should lie, Nor a son of man, that He should repent. Has He said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken and will He not make it good and fulfill it?” - Numbers ‭23:19‬ ‭(AMP‬‬)

““For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts higher than your thoughts. “For as the rain and snow come down from heaven, And do not return there without watering the earth, Making it bear and sprout, And providing seed to the sower and bread to the eater, So will My word be which goes out of My mouth; It will not return to Me void (useless, without result), Without accomplishing what I desire, And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.” - Isaiah‬ ‭55:8-11‬ ‭(AMP‬‬)

“But above all, my fellow believers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath; but let your yes be [a truthful] yes, and your no be [a truthful] no, so that you may not fall under judgment.” - James‬ ‭5:12‬ (‭AMP‬‬)

“When you make a vow to GOD, your God, don’t put off keeping it; GOD, your God, expects you to keep it and if you don’t you’re guilty. But if you don’t make a vow in the first place, there’s no sin. If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Keep the vow you willingly vowed to GOD, your God. You promised it, so do it.” - Deuteronomy‬ ‭23:21-23‬ ‭(MSG‬)

Letting Go . .

So this week’s post is coming straight to you live. I had a revelation over the weekend about my family and it really hit me deep.  I won’t go into too much detail because that’ll take some time, but essentially what hit me was how heavy of a burden I have been carrying to see my family ‘together again.’  If you know me, you know family has always been very important to me. And for a while now, well for some years actually, my heart has felt so much pain for not having the closeness that we once did. It’s forever been in the back of my mind ‘what can I do to make it like it was before?’ But you know what I’ve realized . . . I can’t do anything. Even as much as it hurts to relieve myself of that burden, it’s the truth. As time goes by, things change; people change; FAMILY change. And I have to learn to let go of the past. As a kid, my family was everything to me—no I didn’t have the perfect household family or whatever it’s called; I didn’t grow up with both parents but the bonds I shared with my cousins, the love I felt from my aunties and uncles, the grace my grandmother always showed me—it was everything to me. I prided myself for having such a big, loving family; I bragged on it sooo much. Yet now . . . it’s just not the same.

And it hurts. I’m a sympathetic person by the way—too sympathetic some would say. *shoulder shrug emoji.* I just cherish relationships a lot. And some things you just wish would never change, but when it does, you just got to go with it. My family is still everything to me, I just have to accept that what happens now is kind of beyond my reach. I do believe my grandmother was the stronghold keeping us together, and now with her gone, it seems like the weight is just too heavy. But my God is bigger; He’s stronger and He’s faithful. He knows my heart and my desires, and I know He will restore! My family isn’t perfect—never was, never will be. And for me to move forward, I got to let go! I love my family so much . . . I really do. And for those that read this, I pray it touches your heart. My focus though is now on what lies ahead. My greatest joys right now are my two wonderful, beautiful nieces that I am beyond excited to love and to watch grow up--they truly give me hope for a better tomorrow!

So yeah! We all come from different backgrounds and have traveled different paths, but we get to decide where we go from here. So this Is my encouragement for you today: let go of what was and focus on what can be. God placed us all in circumstances He knew He would use for His purpose and glory; we honestly just have to make room for Him to do it.

“No dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” Philippians 3:13 (NLT)

Pride or Humility?

So, I was at work on lunch yesterday, reading through Proverbs 27, and verse 21 triggered a wave of thoughts. It reads, “The refining pot is for silver and the furnace for gold [to separate the impurities of the metal;] And each is tested by the praise given to him [and his response to it, whether humble or proud]” (AMP). I took notes to remind me of what I wanted to write, so this one is a little planned out, but not really so bear with me.

The question that arose from this scripture was, “how do you respond to praise?” I answered honestly. Yes, sometimes I boast, depending on what the praise is for . . . yet at the same time, I struggle with receiving praise because of insecurities, lack of self-worth, doubt, all that good stuff. However, my mindset has since changed. It’s okay to receive praise, the problem arises with HOW you receive it. I’ve learned that because nothing I do is by my own works but by God that is at work in me, that the praise doesn’t belong to me. The praise must be given to Him—joyfully, willingly, selflessly, humbly.

As a kid in school, it was hard for me to receive praise because it became to be too much that I didn’t want it. I didn’t like being singled out in a room full of kids who were “bad.” Teachers always commenting things like, ‘why can’t y’all be more like Alleiah?’ I didn’t want to come off as ‘better than.’ I wanted to be accepted, to fit in, I didn’t want to be rejected. It’s like I got tired of being the good one to get all the praise ALL the time. Yet time after time, it was me. And even now, as an ADULT, I still find myself holding back from being identified as the one with all the right answers.

I’m in training at my job and because the material is so heavy, week after week, we take at least three or four tests. And I don’t get a perfect score on every single one, but when I do, I refuse to boast about getting a 100%--is this pride or humility? I mean, other students do it . . . our class is full of adults from age 18 to . . . I don’t know, middle aged I suppose and some try really hard to get a good score. And when they finally get a 100%, they’re ecstatic! But for me . . . I think I put the pressure on myself, setting an expectation that I HAVE to do better than everyone else, because that’s what’s always been expected of me! In high school, I took the praise. Everyone knew I was “the smart one” that did GOOD on almost anything academic. I was diligent, determined. I knew then like I know now that I enjoy learning and I also enjoy the good reflections of my learning. Again . . . pride or humility?

It would eat away at my confidence whenever someone would give the right answer in class and I had it too I just didn’t want to get the credit for it that time. Let someone else get it right? And then they’d ask, “Alleiah is that what you got?” The praise made its way to me somehow, yet I still struggle on how to receive it. In verse 2 of that same chapter of Proverbs, it reads “Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; A stranger and not your own lips” (AMP). I’ve noticed that I celebrate my wins silently, instead of openly. And I’ve also realized, that just maybe I come off as ‘better than’ because of that . . . you tell me. . .

PRIDE? OR HUMILITY?