For the past four months, I’ve been dealing with the most difficult emotional and mental pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. Last year, about a week before my birthday, my heart was broken. Now don’t get ahead of yourselves. I know you’re wondering, “Alleiah, were you in another relationship we don’t know about??” Hahaha, no. Quite the contrary.

Ironically, my heart was broken by a close friend. Someone I valued, respected, and held in high honor. Someone I trusted, confided in, and sought for wise counsel. Someone I built a relationship with that I thought to be never ending, but like before, that all changed in just one day.

I wasn’t ready to hear the news that was shared w me that day. My friend told me she needed to update me on some things and I had hoped that it wasn’t what I thought it was. I hadn’t even thought about it for a while, but for some reason, it came back to me that day. I joked even, to myself, that if it was, I wasn’t accepting it. Sorry, you’re not getting out that easy. But as soon as I heard, my heart froze. Was this really happening? Wait.. you’re just now telling me this? After we’ve just spent a weekend together.. you didn’t think to mention it? But we’ve done so much this past year, does any of that matter to you? You’re going where and don’t see why that’s a problem for me? You hope this doesn’t change anything? It changes everything...

I tell you, all of these questions ran through my mind after I had gotten the “update.” I was truly overwhelmed. I couldn’t process there in the moment however, so I gave her my support, though I knew I’d have to confront my emotions later. The next morning, I tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. I actually thought it was a dream honestly, but no—it was real. I woke up and my heart was heavy. I tried to pretend like I wasn’t hurt, confused, angry, betrayed. I went on as long as I could with business as usual, but as you all know, I don’t do well with pretending.

I wish you hadn’t even told me, is what ran through my mind all day, because I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know. I tried checking in with her, just like we did everyday. Plus, nothing was set in stone—because of the relationship we had, out of respect and love, she was just “updating” me on where she was. And I respected that, for the most part. But my feelings were still very much real and I wasn’t processing them well. It was less about the what and more about the why and how for me. And if I switched up now, she’ll think it’s for this reason. But, would that have been so bad? I was going to go meet her and try to express how I felt, but her response wasn’t too welcoming so I backed out. We had church this night and I could hardly focus. My mind was all over, trying to piece together that this was really happening.

Fast forward to the next morning, I sent her a text explaining how I felt and that I needed time to process (sound familiar?). . .

Yeah . . . I couldn’t pretend anymore.

Until next time . .