Now I know the next question you’re wanting an answer to is likely.. what was the news? And why did it hurt you so bad? To be honest, that part I’m still figuring out. The news however, that was shared with me, was personal and as much as it matters, I’ve decided that some parts aren’t my story to tell. Some of you will be able to put the pieces together though.

But again as for me, I just really never saw it coming. As I mentioned last time, it wasn’t so much of the what, but more so the how and and the why, that I couldn’t understand. The conversations that we had that hinted at it, I just knew were a way of coping—she needed encouragement and that I thought I offered. So many parts of our stories were similar and I had hoped that my example would give her hope and faith that she could make it through just as I did. So much I shared with her; so many deep parts of me I had given her access.

After my relationship ended a year and a half ago, she was one of the first to know. She’d been my accountability even before and through out and at the end, I sought for a friend I could trust. Someone I could talk to that had a shared experience and well.. she became that for me. Over the next few months, we started to check in on each other every week, which then later turned in to every day once the pandemic hit.

The type of friendship I had been seeking was forming between us and I was glad about it. Finally, I had someone that was available, transparent, encouraging, and most of all—spiritual. Someone that could offer me the tools I needed to heal and move forward; someone emotionally and mentally supportive. Someone who believed in me and wanted the best for me. Someone I could talk to literally about any and everything. She was a mentor turned friend and unfortunately, that’s likely where I went wrong.

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The text I sent wasn’t the nicest but it was the true response I needed to share with her. Quick aside: I recalled a prior conversation we had kind of regarding the situation we were now facing and something she said offended me. As much as I wanted to make it known in the middle of the conversation, I put my phone down and allowed myself time to process before responding. I later told her how what she said made me feel and after apologizing, she mentioned that she wondered what my true response, or rather reaction, would have been. Jokingly, I told her no, you really would not have wanted to know. But this time, that logic totally went over my head.

I always held back on showing my true nature, my true emotions; I regarded others feelings more than my own. I feared their response and regarded that much more than the peace I would gain by sharing my true thoughts. She knew I didn’t like conflict and probably didn’t expect me to be the one to challenge her pending decision, but I was hurting, deeply, and the thought of pretending or holding on to my emotions would not have been good for me. Yes, I had held on for almost two days but my emotions were in the same place they were from when she first told me her news. And so this time, she got what she asked for.

I waited hours for her response. I called off work that day because it was honestly, too much for me to handle. I met a friend for coffee to distract me but it hardly worked. When her name finally came across my phone, I hesitated to open the text. But when I did, it was the longest, most defensive, anger-filled, response I’ve ever received—definitely not what I was expecting to come from her. She was making it about her and ya know . . maybe I was making her decision about me; truth be told, it did hit personally. Considering the relationship I thought we had, it just really wasn’t making sense to me. What wasn’t she telling me, I thought, there has to be more to this. Why couldn’t she talk to me? Why hadn’t she talked to me? Things weren’t adding up . . and I just wanted answers.

I didn’t respond right away, as I needed to take my time to process and figure things out. The next morning I cried the most agonizing cry as my heart and my mind both tried to comprehend what it was experiencing. It was a pain I had never known before. One I wouldn’t wish on anyone. By the time the weekend was over, I thought enough time had passed and I was ready to address the issue. I reached out to her, apologized even, and expressed why I said the things I said. She again, apologized too and though one of her responses made me doubtful all over again, I gave her the benefit of it. We were back on “good terms” and moving forward. But my heart and mind literally couldn’t accept it. Again, this news was changing everything and I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was still bothering me. A week later, days before Thanksgiving, I told her I needed to update her on some things. I had been dealing with issues of my own and truthfully, didn’t have room for further misguidance on my plate. I video called her and shared my decision to take a step back—maybe we both needed time to deal with our personal lives. I surely did and I had hoped she’d be understanding. A part of her was, I believed, but time proved . . . that other parts of her weren’t.

Until next time . . .