The weeks to follow were the hardest. I tried to convince myself that my feelings weren’t real; that I was overreacting. My heart was aching at making such a bold decision, I questioned many times if it was the right thing to do. I asked God even, if there had been any other way, but nevertheless, Lord. And surely He kept revealing to me that I did what needed to be done, even though it hurt so much. Yet I still wanted answers, I just needed more time to figure out my approach to get them. I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt and also wanted to share where I was in my processing; my decision to take time apart wasn’t to indicate I wanted our relationship to end. I just needed time and space to decide what our relationship needed to look like going forward. Considering what was happening, I needed new boundaries.

The end of the year was nearing and I didn’t want my pain to carry over into the new year. But every time I prepared to make a move, there’d be something new that stopped me. I’d written out what I wanted to say but my feelings changed before I could say them. And I suppose the time I was taking to myself was too much, because by the first of the year, I noticed that we were no longer friends on social media.

In hind sight, I didn’t see the danger in becoming so close to someone based off a shared experience. As much as she was for me, I may have been for her too (but I may never know). And I don’t regret the relationship I formed with her at all. A lot of good came from the wisdom she shared w me; a lot of laughs, tons of inspiration, mutual support for what each of us were wanting to accomplish in our ministries, it was definitely what I needed at that time. And well, from that.. I expected more.

I took pride in having someone for myself, that was willing to talk to me everyday about things that mattered and things that didn’t; someone that kept me accountable and offered support in all areas of my life. She was, in my mind, my best friend. We were similar in so many ways and in others we weren’t, but what we had was exactly what I’d been hoping for. And during a pandemic?! At the brink of quarantine?? Come on now, everyone needed at least one friend they could connect with, in person especially too, without fear or concern of catching COVID or staying six feet apart.

We started a weekly ministry together; shared our truths, opened our hearts and our minds to uplift and encourage like-minded individuals. We collaborated on written works, so much of what we were doing and who we were intersected so of course, we put our shared visions together and went to work.

Nevertheless, throughout the summer, life began to happen for both of us, some good, some bad—I went back to work, self-published my first book, soon after I lost my car, and when I began working from home, things started to take a shift. Not many know, but my mom for a while now, had been showing signs of memory loss and it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with.

But through it all, she was there. To offer again, the support I needed to face the reality of my circumstance. Nevertheless, this was when my grieving and depression began. I felt burdened and alone at times, and what made it even harder was my mom’s denial of the changes that were happening. My mental and emotional health were taking a dive and the only way I knew to help it was to move out. I sat on the idea for a few months, planning to pay off some debt before taking on a new set of responsibilities. And also hoping to make a plan for my mom before leaving. But as time moved on, it just really got tougher. I felt guilty a lot of the time, I was easily irritated, not very communicative or sympathetic. My mother’s dependency on me was growing and becoming too much for me; and as hard as it was, my decision to take that step out on faith came right in the middle of this all. This, moving out, and turning 26 (along with some other changes to be discussed later) practically pushed me into a new level of womanhood that I was not quite prepared for—in an instant, my life changed dramatically.

When I moved out, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. But what I couldn’t shake, was the fact that I believed when this moment came, my friend would be a part of it too, celebrating with me. But the new year came and again, after noticing I’d been unfriended, what was I to do now?

Until next time . .