And so here we are, nearly four and a half months later. For four months, I kept quiet about the pain I was experiencing. Flashbacks triggered my anger and anxiety. I had lost who I believed to be my closest friend and deep down, I didn’t want to believe nor accept it. The days felt like they were just passing me by. I didn’t have much energy to do more than the minimum—pray, go to work, eat, watch netflix, sleep, wake up and do it again. And most days, I didn’t even want to do that. But I knew I had to keep a routine to maintain some sort of sanity.

I wanted to reach out for help but didn’t know how or who to go to. A new wave of COVID had hit and everyone was taking precautions. I felt needy, dependent, and was fearful of opening up and getting that close to anyone again. As time was moving forward and things were shifting even more, I really began to struggle with the idea of friendships, specifically “best-friendships,” and what they were suppose to look like. From this experience, I felt like the lines had gotten blurred and my trust in those close to me was being hindered.

A year ago, when this relationship began to grow deeper, my expectations of a best friend were being met(hence all the praise in the last post). However, my mind wouldn’t 100% allow me to treat it as such, mainly because of our age difference. And despite how insecure I felt at times, I didn’t speak up out of fear of losing or jeopardizing what I had. I went to her for everything, which was normal with her being one of my spiritual leaders; but if there were things I felt she didn’t want to share with me or ask my advice on, whether it was because she felt I was too young to understand or preferred someone who had more years than me (I don’t know), I respected it and tried not to take it personal. I trusted and believed though, that she was at least acting on all of the values and standards our relationship was built on. So I didn’t impose or ask too many questions, even though she assured me that I could. I did my best to keep it formal and maintain a healthy boundary, but staying quiet only hurt me in the end. She was the closest person I had at the time and I imagine she knew how much she meant to me; as a mentor first, she knew how much I admired and reverenced her, yet none of that mattered and in a click, things were over.

So at this point, I felt like nothing I could say would make a difference. To go as far as unfriending me on social media made me lose hope in following up and reconciling. The closest friend I had over the past year was moving on and had not even reached out to me to give confirmation of her decision. So there I was, still waiting . . hoping . . expecting . . until I started writing. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to. I grew tired of feeling stuck, lonely, and depressed. I knew, because of my relationship with God, that these emotions weren’t going to last forever; and though it seemed like the greatest challenge ever, I also knew I had the power to change them. So I did.

I reached out and I had the one conversation I needed to break the cycle of thinking I was holding on to for so long—the cycle of thinking that was keeping me bound, broken, and unfulfilled. This one conversation, as simple as it was, gave me the courage I needed to share my truth . . . and it has since, freed me to move forward.

Until next time . . .