Time Heals All

And so here we are, nearly four and a half months later. For four months, I kept quiet about the pain I was experiencing. Flashbacks triggered my anger and anxiety. I had lost who I believed to be my closest friend and deep down, I didn’t want to believe nor accept it. The days felt like they were just passing me by. I didn’t have much energy to do more than the minimum—pray, go to work, eat, watch netflix, sleep, wake up and do it again. And most days, I didn’t even want to do that. But I knew I had to keep a routine to maintain some sort of sanity. 

I wanted to reach out for help but didn’t know how or who to go to. A new wave of COVID had hit and everyone was taking precautions. I felt needy, dependent, and was fearful of opening up and getting that close to anyone again. As time was moving forward and things were shifting even more, I really began to struggle with the idea of friendships, specifically “best-friendships,” and what they were suppose to look like. From this experience, I felt like the lines had gotten blurred and my trust in those close to me was being hindered. 

A year ago, when this relationship began to grow deeper, my expectations of a best friend were being met(hence all the praise in the last post). However, my mind wouldn’t 100% allow me to treat it as such, mainly because of our age difference. And despite how insecure I felt at times, I didn’t speak up out of fear of losing or jeopardizing what I had. I went to her for everything, which was normal with her being one of my spiritual leaders; but if there were things I felt she didn’t want to share with me or ask my advice on, whether it was because she felt I was too young to understand or preferred someone who had more years than me (I don’t know), I respected it and tried not to take it personal. I trusted and believed though, that she was at least acting on all of the values and standards our relationship was built on. So I didn’t impose or ask too many questions, even though she assured me that I could. I did my best to keep it formal and maintain a healthy boundary, but staying quiet only hurt me in the end. She was the closest person I had at the time and I imagine she knew how much she meant to me; as a mentor first, she knew how much I admired and reverenced her, yet none of that mattered and in a click, things were over. 

So at this point, I felt like nothing I could say would make a difference. To go as far as unfriending me on social media made me lose hope in following up and reconciling. The closest friend I had over the past year was moving on and had not even reached out to me to give confirmation of her decision. So there I was, still waiting . . hoping . . expecting . . until I started writing. I didn’t want to, but I knew I had to. I grew tired of feeling stuck, lonely, and depressed. I knew, because of my relationship with God, that these emotions weren’t going to last forever; and though it seemed like the greatest challenge ever, I also knew I had the power to change them. So I did.

I reached out and I had the one conversation I needed to break the cycle of thinking I was holding on to for so long—the cycle of thinking that was keeping me bound, broken, and unfulfilled. This one conversation, as simple as it was, gave me the courage I needed to share my truth . . . and it has since, freed me to move forward.

Until next time . . .

Drastic Change

The weeks to follow were the hardest. I tried to convince myself that my feelings weren’t real; that I was overreacting. My heart was aching at making such a bold decision, I questioned many times if it was the right thing to do. I asked God even, if there had been any other way, but nevertheless, Lord. And surely He kept revealing to me that I did what needed to be done, even though it hurt so much. Yet I still wanted answers, I just needed more time to figure out my approach to get them. I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt and also wanted to share where I was in my processing; my decision to take time apart wasn’t to indicate I wanted our relationship to end. I just needed time and space to decide what our relationship needed to look like going forward. Considering what was happening, I needed new boundaries. 

The end of the year was nearing and I didn’t want my pain to carry over into the new year. But every time I prepared to make a move, there’d be something new that stopped me. I’d written out what I wanted to say but my feelings changed before I could say them. And I suppose the time I was taking to myself was too much, because by the first of the year, I noticed that we were no longer friends on social media. 

In hind sight, I didn’t see the danger in becoming so close to someone based off a shared experience. As much as she was for me, I may have been for her too (but I may never know). And I don’t regret the relationship I formed with her at all. A lot of good came from the wisdom she shared w me; a lot of laughs, tons of inspiration, mutual support for what each of us were wanting to accomplish in our ministries, it was definitely what I needed at that time. And well, from that.. I expected more.

I took pride in having someone for myself, that was willing to talk to me everyday about things that mattered and things that didn’t; someone that kept me accountable and offered support in all areas of my life. She was, in my mind, my best friend. We were similar in so many ways and in others we weren’t, but what we had was exactly what I’d been hoping for. And during a pandemic?! At the brink of quarantine?? Come on now, everyone needed at least one friend they could connect with, in person especially too, without fear or concern of catching COVID or staying six feet apart.

We started a weekly ministry together; shared our truths, opened our hearts and our minds to uplift and encourage like-minded individuals. We collaborated on written works, so much of what we were doing and who we were intersected so of course, we put our shared visions together and went to work. 

Nevertheless, throughout the summer, life began to happen for both of us, some good, some bad—I went back to work, self-published my first book, soon after I lost my car, and when I began working from home, things started to take a shift. Not many know, but my mom for a while now, had been showing signs of memory loss and it’s been one of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with. 

But through it all, she was there. To offer again, the support I needed to face the reality of my circumstance. Nevertheless, this was when my grieving and depression began. I felt burdened and alone at times, and what made it even harder was my mom’s denial of the changes that were happening. My mental and emotional health were taking a dive and the only way I knew to help it was to move out. I sat on the idea for a few months, planning to pay off some debt before taking on a new set of responsibilities. And also hoping to make a plan for my mom before leaving. But as time moved on, it just really got tougher. I felt guilty a lot of the time, I was easily irritated, not very communicative or sympathetic. My mother’s dependency on me was growing and becoming too much for me; and as hard as it was, my decision to take that step out on faith came right in the middle of this all. This, moving out, and turning 26 (along with some other changes to be discussed later) practically pushed me into a new level of womanhood that I was not quite prepared for—in an instant, my life changed dramatically. 

When I moved out, I felt an overwhelming peace come over me. But what I couldn’t shake, was the fact that I believed when this moment came, my friend would be a part of it too, celebrating with me. But the new year came and again, after noticing I’d been unfriended, what was I to do now? 

Until next time . . 

Where I Went Wrong

Now I know the next question you’re wanting an answer to is likely.. what was the news? And why did it hurt you so bad? To be honest, that part I’m still figuring out. The news however, that was shared with me, was personal and as much as it matters, I’ve decided that some parts aren’t my story to tell. Some of you will be able to put the pieces together though.

But again as for me, I just really never saw it coming. As I mentioned last time, it wasn’t so much of the what, but more so the how and and the why, that I couldn’t understand. The conversations that we had that hinted at it, I just knew were a way of coping—she needed encouragement and that I thought I offered. So many parts of our stories were similar and I had hoped that my example would give her hope and faith that she could make it through just as I did. So much I shared with her; so many deep parts of me I had given her access. 

After my relationship ended a year and a half ago, she was one of the first to know. She’d been my accountability even before and through out and at the end, I sought for a friend I could trust. Someone I could talk to that had a shared experience and well.. she became that for me. Over the next few months, we started to check in on each other every week, which then later turned in to every day once the pandemic hit. 

The type of friendship I had been seeking was forming between us and I was glad about it. Finally, I had someone that was available, transparent, encouraging, and most of all—spiritual. Someone that could offer me the tools I needed to heal and move forward; someone emotionally and mentally supportive. Someone who believed in me and wanted the best for me. Someone I could talk to literally about any and everything. She was a mentor turned friend and unfortunately, that’s likely where I went wrong. 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The text I sent wasn’t the nicest but it was the true response I needed to share with her. Quick aside: I recalled a prior conversation we had kind of regarding the situation we were now facing and something she said offended me. As much as I wanted to make it known in the middle of the conversation, I put my phone down and allowed myself time to process before responding. I later told her how what she said made me feel and after apologizing, she mentioned that she wondered what my true response, or rather reaction, would have been. Jokingly, I told her no, you really would not have wanted to know. But this time, that logic totally went over my head. 

I always held back on showing my true nature, my true emotions; I regarded others feelings more than my own. I feared their response and regarded that much more than the peace I would gain by sharing my true thoughts. She knew I didn’t like conflict and probably didn’t expect me to be the one to challenge her pending decision, but I was hurting, deeply, and the thought of pretending or holding on to my emotions would not have been good for me. Yes, I had held on for almost two days but my emotions were in the same place they were from when she first told me her news. And so this time, she got what she asked for. 

I waited hours for her response. I called off work that day because it was honestly, too much for me to handle. I met a friend for coffee to distract me but it hardly worked. When her name finally came across my phone, I hesitated to open the text. But when I did, it was the longest, most defensive, anger-filled, response I’ve ever received—definitely not what I was expecting to come from her. She was making it about her and ya know . . maybe I was making her decision about me; truth be told, it did hit personally. Considering the relationship I thought we had, it just really wasn’t making sense to me. What wasn’t she telling me, I thought, there has to be more to this. Why couldn’t she talk to me? Why hadn’t she talked to me? Things weren’t adding up . . and I just wanted answers.

I didn’t respond right away, as I needed to take my time to process and figure things out. The next morning I cried the most agonizing cry as my heart and my mind both tried to comprehend what it was experiencing. It was a pain I had never known before. One I wouldn’t wish on anyone. By the time the weekend was over, I thought enough time had passed and I was ready to address the issue. I reached out to her, apologized even, and expressed why I said the things I said. She again, apologized too and though one of her responses made me doubtful all over again, I gave her the benefit of it. We were back on “good terms” and moving forward. But my heart and mind literally couldn’t accept it. Again, this news was changing everything and I couldn’t ignore the fact that it was still bothering me. A week later, days before Thanksgiving, I told her I needed to update her on some things. I had been dealing with issues of my own and truthfully, didn’t have room for further misguidance on my plate. I video called her and shared my decision to take a step back—maybe we both needed time to deal with our personal lives. I surely did and I had hoped she’d be understanding. A part of her was, I believed, but time proved . . . that other parts of her weren’t.

Until next time . . .

Never Saw It Coming

For the past four months, I’ve been dealing with the most difficult emotional and mental pain I’ve ever experienced in my life. Last year, about a week before my birthday, my heart was broken. Now don’t get ahead of yourselves. I know you’re wondering, “Alleiah, were you in another relationship we don’t know about??” Hahaha, no. Quite the contrary. 

Ironically, my heart was broken by a close friend. Someone I valued, respected, and held in high honor. Someone I trusted, confided in, and sought for wise counsel. Someone I built a relationship with that I thought to be never ending, but like before, that all changed in just one day. 

I wasn’t ready to hear the news that was shared w me that day. My friend told me she needed to update me on some things and I had hoped that it wasn’t what I thought it was. I hadn’t even thought about it for a while, but for some reason, it came back to me that day. I joked even, to myself, that if it was, I wasn’t accepting it. Sorry, you’re not getting out that easy. But as soon as I heard, my heart froze. Was this really happening? Wait.. you’re just now telling me this? After we’ve just spent a weekend together.. you didn’t think to mention it? But we’ve done so much this past year, does any of that matter to you? You’re going where and don’t see why that’s a problem for me? You hope this doesn’t change anything? It changes everything...

I tell you, all of these questions ran through my mind after I had gotten the “update.” I was truly overwhelmed. I couldn’t process there in the moment however, so I gave her my support, though I knew I’d have to confront my emotions later. The next morning, I tried to pretend like it didn’t happen. I actually thought it was a dream honestly, but no—it was real. I woke up and my heart was heavy. I tried to pretend like I wasn’t hurt, confused, angry, betrayed. I went on as long as I could with business as usual, but as you all know, I don’t do well with pretending. 

I wish you hadn’t even told me, is what ran through my mind all day, because I couldn’t pretend like I didn’t know. I tried checking in with her, just like we did everyday. Plus, nothing was set in stone—because of the relationship we had, out of respect and love, she was just “updating” me on where she was. And I respected that, for the most part. But my feelings were still very much real and I wasn’t processing them well. It was less about the what and more about the why and how for me. And if I switched up now, she’ll think it’s for this reason. But, would that have been so bad? I was going to go meet her and try to express how I felt, but her response wasn’t too welcoming so I backed out. We had church this night and I could hardly focus. My mind was all over, trying to piece together that this was really happening.

Fast forward to the next morning, I sent her a text explaining how I felt and that I needed time to process (sound familiar?). . .

Yeah . . . I couldn’t pretend anymore.

Until next time . .